Brian

I don’t know that they don’t have enough information or the information hasn’t been released or what it is. Yeah. But I think there’s definitely enough information out there, and there’s enough people with enough symptoms that I think there is something going on, but maybe they’re not to the bottom of it yet. I mean, the frustrating part, I guess, would be not getting answers, but that’s nobody’s fault. Everybody is trying. It seems like they care and want to find answers. I guess we don’t know what we don’t know yet.

I've got memory issues, I've got joint pain, I've got, almost reads like a book. It's ridiculous. But it's hard for me to attribute that to the Gulf or maybe that to age or that to just general wearing my body out, so it's hard to say.

I've got concerns about what were the, and I’m sure you’ve heard people refer to like pills that they gave us? So what's up with that, and why were we taking them? And I've heard also about being exposed to certain metals while we were out there, whether it be like from coated rounds, because there's certain rounds that they coat with certain materials to penetrate holes and things like that. Apparently, it's not very good for you to be around. I’d just like a more open book. Like, I feel like talking to Vietnam Veterans, for instance, a lot of them didn’t know they were exposed to Agent Orange or didn’t know the harms of it. And a lot of it never got admitted until they were out for 30 years, and then they find out that they had diabetes or certain cancers or asbestos in their lungs or whatever it may be. I just want an open book and just tell me. I mean I signed up for the Army. I did it, so just let me know what you're doing to me in turn.

I wish right away they would hook you up with a Veterans Service Officer and just say, hey, what branch were you in? Did you have any injuries? Did you ever hurt your back? Did you jump out of a plane and wreck your knee? But I think that would be a big one, to let people know that, hey, if you have these chronic conditions that are related to any type of service, you need to get it looked at through the VA or through a Veterans Service Officer where it can be taken care of because, again, I had no idea until I started working for VA. If I ever need hearing aids or something, I'll want to know that, well cool, yeah. Because there's a lot of times when you're in combat you don’t have time to put earplugs in or whatever, or you'll just hear something shooting over your shoulder. It's just, I don’t know. It's just what happens. And if it continues to decline and if it is in fact related to military service, it would be nice if it was covered, you know? I would have just said to be more proactive as soon as you get out of the service. Like I said, I had no idea I was even able to get into VA benefits, to get healthcare, to have a primary care provider, to just find out what's out there and how to best utilize it just as soon as you can because it's a slow-turning machine sometimes. It takes years for things to happen. So I’d say the sooner you can find out what you're eligible for and apply for it, just to do it. Once I started here and figured out that I had other benefits that I could apply for, I immediately did that, just talking to people around, talking to a few Gulf War Veterans here, because I had no idea what a VSO was. I barely had an idea of what the VA was. I actually was working at a little medical supply place in Redmond, just north of here, and one of the VSOs came in. And I don’t know how he figured out that I was a Veteran, but we started talking about it, and he goes, yeah, I’m a Veterans Service Officer. You should come see me. I’m like, okay. And then he told me I can get some healthcare benefits. I’m like, really? I had no idea. So then I came and signed up for the VA. Ever since then, I just communicate with other Veterans and find out what we have available and who is doing it.

Brian: I've tried exercise programs. I've tried meditation. I talk to a psychologist. Every couple weeks I go to a psychologist. So now I’m doing some journaling. I’m doing some, what else does she have me doing? Just a lot of exercise really, just_

Interviewer: Physical activity?

Brian: Physical, yeah.

Interviewer: What kind of exercise do you do?

Brian: Running with the dog. I love kayaking. I love hiking. Mostly outdoor. I don’t like gym stuff. I don’t know why. It's just repetitive and boring to me, but I do have some barbells at home that if I’m watching TV or something, I might just lift barbells. I have some resistance bands down in my office, and if it gets slow, I'll just do resistant band stuff.

Lately, I've been going to sleep super early, but I can’t, I say super early, probably around 9 o'clock. And, I don’t know. I’m a super-duper light sleeper anymore. Anything wakes me up. If the dog walks across the living room or something, I can hear it, and I'll just wake up, and then my mind will start racing, and it's hard to get back to sleep. And then if I have to get up to go pee at like 3 in the morning, my alarm usually goes off at like 5:30, so I just can’t get back to sleep. I'll just lay there awake, and it's just an erratic sleep pattern. It's exhausting sometimes.

But I started having stomach issues. I've had six abdominal surgeries since, starting with an appendectomy and then a couple of obstructions, and my stomach has just never been right. I don’t know that I've had like a solid bowel movement in 20-something years, really. Yeah. The first time was the appendectomy, the appendicitis… But then I had the problem of having to get opened up and cleaned out, and, yeah. After that, I've had, well, I had two more resections of the bowel. I don’t know if because of blockages or because of lack of blood flow to my intestinal tract. I've had hernias repaired as well, and just overall my stomach has just been a wreck. 

So then, just the military can affect relationships so poorly because I was gone for probably six months at first to do my basic, my AIT, and all that, and then to finally get stationed and set up a home for my wife to come out from California. She came out, and then I did a lot of field time in the military. That's what we did. We were out in the field. So I would spend weeks away from home out in the field and then to get deployed into the desert for seven months, and she immediately left. Once I flew out, I’m sure I hadn’t even landed before she had packed and left. So, yeah, just, I would have never, I don’t know. I’m a very loyal person. I would have never, I would have made my marriage work. I would have made, it's just, I don’t know. It made me feel somewhat of a failure because I've been married three times. I’d like to do it once and be done with it and like have a happy every after, but it's hard to do in the military for sure.

I've been all through the VA, and there's no rhyme or reason, there’s no allergic reaction to food… I mean I would love nothing more than to just get rid of my rashes and never have another rash. It’s so frustrating, and I have literally sat up in bed and just started crying because I was so miserable and couldn’t sleep because I was itching and just, it will literally like drive you insane. 

You know, I’ve got memory issues, I've got joint pain, I've got, almost reads like a book. It's ridiculous. But it's hard for me to attribute that to the Gulf or maybe that to age or that to just general wearing my body out, so it's hard to say.

I used to do it at night to fall asleep. I used to have something on my cell phone with like either different speakers or different music, just calming things that would shut my mind down because that's my problem. When I wake up, my mind just, boom. It starts, and I can’t shut it off. But then it did help too. I don’t know why I quit. I probably just didn’t do it long enough to become a habit, but it definitely did help me get to sleep and feel calmer.

Interviewer: What role, if any, do you think your experience in the Gulf War has played in your current health?

Brian: I don’t know. I know it's led to some anxiety, some sleep difficulties. I mean I, mostly anxiety. I have been taking some duloxetine, which has helped quite a bit, but still, I don’t know.

I went to the dermatologist and they never reported back to the VA, which was weird because the whole reason I went there was because my VA primary care sent me there. But I finally had to go back to the dermatologist, get the results, and bring them back myself. There's something lacking there.