Coping with Everyday Life, Self-care, and Stress Management

And then you withdraw. Then it goes back to what I said earlier about the mental health aspect, and now you're alone and lonely and withdrawing from society, even though I force myself to do something with people. It's like, okay, I've got to go home. I've got to get back in my cocoon of whatever. And I love outdoor work. I love yardwork. I love things like that, but you just sit on the couch and don’t, you don’t want to move. You don’t want to think. You don’t want to feel pain, so you do anything to take your mind off that, and it helps. You don’t feel bad because you're either not moving and using that joint, or you found a substitute of overeating ice cream or a candy bar or video game has taken your mind off it for a minute or something, but they're all unhealthy.

Brian: I've tried exercise programs. I've tried meditation. I talk to a psychologist. Every couple weeks I go to a psychologist. So now I’m doing some journaling. I’m doing some, what else does she have me doing? Just a lot of exercise really, just_

Interviewer: Physical activity?

Brian: Physical, yeah.

Interviewer: What kind of exercise do you do?

Brian: Running with the dog. I love kayaking. I love hiking. Mostly outdoor. I don’t like gym stuff. I don’t know why. It's just repetitive and boring to me, but I do have some barbells at home that if I’m watching TV or something, I might just lift barbells. I have some resistance bands down in my office, and if it gets slow, I'll just do resistant band stuff.

I want to do, I want to turn that into my little gym so I can continue to race my sled dogs, so yeah. So there’s lots of changes that I want to do, but I’m finding that I need to focus on me. The last couple of years that I’ve raced dryland with my dogs, there’s this one race we do up in [location redacted]. You know we come down a hill and we come into an open field, we come up and then we turn left and then it’s a long stretch to the finish line. Well two races, not this last year, but the year before, 'cuz this last year they were canceled 'cuz of the weather, you know we had too much snow for dryland. But I was coming down into the meadow and, twice and like got into the meadow and like the meadow, I just became extremely fatigued like I really wanted to just drop to my knees, fatigued. And I mean it took every little ounce of energy I had left just to get through the finish. So that happened twice, year before last. And so, and I don't know what that was all about, I don't know if that was my fibromyalgia, chemicals or whatever. I don't know what that was all about, but I did. But when I do finish a race I go right to, back to bed. So like if my race time is say is nine o’clock, we have a drivers meeting at eight. So I’m up, I’m getting my dogs ready, whatever, you know if, I tell you if the race is at, if my race time says nine and I’m at nine o’ four. I am so mad, because I’m just like, come on everybody get yourself together, I want to get through with this, you know? So, but anyways, the race marshals are always like, calm down, calm down, you’ll get your turn. I’m like, yeah well that was five minutes ago, you know. But anyways, I’m like, geez. But anyways, so I end up because of my fatigue right after I get done racing, which my race, these guys can run 20 miles, we can go 20 miles, you know. And anyways, so we’re done in a race in like maybe five minutes, seven minutes. Oh yeah, you know we can do two miles, depending on the track. We can do two miles in five minutes or we can two miles in 12 minutes, or 25 minutes depending on the terrain. But when I’m done, I go right back to bed. That’s it for me.

Yeah, there’s a gym locally, at the Indian Reservation, and I’m a member of it. But it’s trying, I mean sometimes just getting out of bed is a big thing. So to get myself up and to the gym is, not something I can do frequently. And believe me it’s on my mind because I mean I’ve always been very muscular, and I’m getting flabby now, and I hate it. But I just don’t have it in me. And if I do feel up to doing something, I walk the dogs, and for a little bit I was, my husband was helping me with the hiking sticks, and then I’d put the metals on him, and send them out. And that was really giving me a lot to look forward, and I haven’t been able to do that for a while.

Just walking in general. Being able to go out and walk through stores and walk around the property here, or I've done a little teeny bit of hiking. Nothing strenuous, but I was able to do that and not be in bed for two weeks. Things like that. I’m more social now. I’m not hiding in my house all the time. I'll come out and visit friends and do things, and it doesn’t bother me to go to the store and have to, you know, I don't have to park right up next to the building. I can park further back. Let's see. What else? Hmm. I don't ride much, but I have been on horseback, and I think I could do that. I think I could ride. Let's see. I don't know what else. I can take care of myself, because for a while there, I couldn’t. I was on a cane and headed toward a wheelchair at one point because it was so bad, and now I’m not.

I play Pokémon GO, I mean I found a game to play that’s interactive, but isolating too. I don't know how many of them there really are, out there. But, you have to interact with people to you know, to progress in the game. But you can play it alone too. So, I can choose when to interact on that game, and when not to. And I got my wife playing it, so. But also, I make jewelry, so, I like to create, which I didn’t know I was creative, but I’m learning to be. And, I moved. I moved to a place that was peaceful, and to where I feel at peace. So, control your own environment, you know. And find something that you enjoy doing, whether you think somebody else is going to find that funny, or not, or silly, who cares? If it gives you peace or enjoyment, who cares what somebody else thinks.

And, it’s important to have—when you deal with the things that, that we deal with, I mean everybody for that case, but for soldiers, Veterans, sailors, marines, whatever you wanna call them. It’s important to have that support. The support that you need. It’s important to have someone in your corner that gives a damn about you. And doesn’t want anything else in the world. Doesn’t want monetary, or any type of, what would you call it, return. Monetary or material return for what they help you with. The only return that they want to see is you be a better person. Be the person you’re supposed to be. And if you don’t have that, you know, I know people that just eat the end of a barrel because of it. Because they don’t have that.

’01, ’02 I started having problems with my back. And my hearing you know. That was automatic it rings every day. And I can’t really hear out of this one. I have to turn my head. Nothing but like I say, a little bit of alcoholism. Like you know, just try to self-medicate but that’s the next day you wake up you feel worse than you did the day before. Little bouts with alcohol. But I got a strong family, core family my wife and my big son he 25, fit’n to move out, but I got a 17-year-old and a good wife. And God is good. You just gotta keep your faith.

And she's fighting for me, and I get it, but I just, sometimes I’m just tired, and I know she's tired, and she only wants the best for me, but I’m tired of seeing her tired. You know? It's hard to see her do everything that she does for me and her professional life, and then she takes care of her cousin's stuff who lives with us. And her job there at her work is just insane. What I feel bad about is I think sometimes when I think about this a lot is that she's working so hard on my stuff that she's literally going to have a heart attack or a stroke, and then look where she's at. And I’m telling her all the time, dude, just chill out. Just relax. We'll get through this time right here and then just relax. I mean, you don't have to push so hard for me. I mean, she just pushes and pushes and pushes. And I can't thank her enough for everything. You know? But I’m just afraid I’m going to lose her. That's my fear.

I mean it falls back on my wife. She is my caregiver. And she don’t get no recognition for it and no nothin’ else. If it wasn’t for her I would’ve been dead years ago. And that’s fact. Because if wasn’t for her being a nurse and she knows what to look for and she questions everything they do. I mean, I just want them to come forth and say we’re gonna take care of y’all and quit tryin’ to fight ya and quit given ya 10,000 pieces of paper to sign and nothing tell about it.

The camaraderie with my fellow Gulf War Veterans gives me some strength. Not all of them, but there's been a cadre of us that have tried to stand up and make things better for the whole. I've pounded the halls of congress more than once. Every year, the letter comes out that there's a congressman saying we need to fund the Gulf War research, and I’m either in Washington, happened to be when I was back there this last year for treatment, or I’m on the phone with congressmen and senators, begging them to please fund the research. Please sign on to this research funding. And I’m proud to say that since I started contacting the Oregon senators, every year, both Oregon senators have signed on for Gulf War research funding. Very proud of that because they're the only two, only state with both senators consistently signing on. So I’m really proud of that. I’m proud of my effort.

One of the first ones when I was dealing with the VA system, like I say, they were just denying me, denying me, so I just kind of, I did kind of this kind of felt the cold shoulder, but at that time I found a church group, and at that church group that there were the Vets in there that were sharing their stories. And that gave me the opportunity to open up a little bit about my story. And this pastor, and that’s where I first learned with the suicides were 22 a day, and it was kind of an understanding where it’s very powerful. It was a Methodist pastor that was telling me this stuff, but it was part of my growth of finding the Lord. And also, I was dealing with the service officer in Aberdeen for many, many, many, many years, and the DAV, I reached out to them, and I simply just, it’s like it landed on deaf ears again. Because it’s like it’s crazy, because the service officer after a while, he knew about the chemicals. He was over in Afghanistan, he knew, he seen the chemicals, but he told me the battle was in legislation. That they weren’t going to do nothing about it. He said it didn’t matter about everything that was going on. And that pretty much, I walked away from that, and it was kind of funny how the Lord had let me to, and there was a guy in the VA system, and this is pretty powerful, in with the VA system, and I cried down there for help one day, and he said that he was involved with the DAV, but he was on kind of on the outside that was helping soldiers. And this is the guy that really kind of opened the door for me to start getting some help. And it was pretty powerful. And that’s where I think I got like 60%, or he got me the 60%, and then I left there and went up to Fargo, and then that’s where I got my 100% disability.

I want to work. I've actually started a youth program, nonprofit youth program, and I’m trying to get it going with summer camps and sports programs. I was asked if I would be willing to start it with the support of the community I live in because they had nothing. But I love that kind of thing. I volunteer. I've coached over 60 teams. I love charity work and volunteer.

Walter: But I’m very active in the Veterans community and the community itself as being a firefighter. I don't go in anymore. I can't. When I took the physical, the doctor is like, you know you're not going in anymore. I’m like, yeah. But I’m an assistant chief, so all I do is, okay, you go over here. This is what I need. Get on the radio. Send me this. Send me that. You know. Training. We just did a big drill Wednesday night with five of our mutual aid companies. We had five cars out there, and we split everybody up from different companies and mixed them to learn how to use everybody else's equipment, because as my job as second assistant chief, I’m in charge of training the fire/police and running scenes. So, I sign people up for classes and stuff.

Interviewer: You keep very busy.

Walter: I've learned over the years. I've seen people give up, and that's when they just, how can I, they give up, and next thing you know, they're not here anymore, if you know what I mean.

Right, Veterans are the best information for Veterans. And you know don’t be afraid to share it. You know and I’ve helped people put together their files, and you know, everybody’s experience is a little bit different. And I’d actually like to get involved in stuff like that, when I can walk again.

I’m still having other issues that nobody can understand. And since nobody can understand it, they’re not gonna pay for it. And that’s fine. I’m at the 100% and I’m thankful for that. But, you know, there’s other people that have these issues and the VA just says, well, we will take care of you for unexplained illnesses, however they really don’t. Because if they’re unexplained and nobody can give you a diagnosis for 'em they’re gonna say, well, you have no proof. We don’t know really what it came from and they deny it. And so, that’s what I’m hearing a lot of feedback from other Veterans that have these issues, which I have too. They’re unexplained but, yet, I think the VA knows what they’re about but they’re just not gonna give it up that easy. The issues that I had from my early, from my early-to-mid 20’s they were mild. They were very mild for the first 10 years after my return. And sometimes, you know, as you get to your 30’s and early 40’s you kind of start, I know that you feel like you can put an excuse to what you feel as, you know, I’m gettin’ a little older. I’m not a spring chicken no more. Is it something that the Gulf caused? It is something that, you know, maybe I’m just workin’ myself too hard. I mean you really can’t put your finger on why you feel the way you feel. And you really don’t know until a little later on, you know, probably my mid-to-early 40s is when I really started to go, gosh, you compare myself to other people that are similar to me and I really just don’t fit in that box. They’re tired and having issues too but it’s not the same issues that I was having. Mine seemed to be a little bit more extreme on many different levels and that’s when I started doing some lookin’ into the VA and researching going is it just me? Is it other people having these issues? And I started to realize that through, and I’m not a big fan of social media, but I did get into some social media. I reconnected with some Veterans that I was deployed with. One of 'em set up a networking group and we started having discussions just to say, hey, how’s life been treatin’ ya kind of a deal. The next thing you know they’re having issues and it’s like, well, that’s funny I have that too. And the next thing you know it goes out bigger where you get into a national platform where now you’re talking to Veterans from the same deployment across the United States that I don’t even know, you know, that are sharing pictures of skin issues to how they’re feeling personally, mentally, physically. And you start to see these relatable incidences where they’re having the same struggles that I’m havin’ so it’s not just me. And that’s when I finally said, well, maybe—it was somewhat of a relief but at the same time it was kind of like, okay, well what’s next.

And, so I guess I want them to be interested enough to pursue it, to join one of the Veteran’s groups. Nobody’s suggesting they join five of them like I did, but just one would do the trick. But, to try to find out what their rights are, from being a solider. ‘Cuz I sure didn’t really know what mine were. If I pushed them, yeah I found out more. But mostly what I found out are the, are from the counselors that we have. But they offer counseling, in the VFW, anyhow, and the American Legion, and even my DAV. She said, aren’t you going to take the course now, so you can help your soldiers? Well I don’t think that I can get that in my old head in a three hour course. There is so much to know, and the VA changes things quite often, so you have to really keep up to date. I just admire the medical counselors we have here. We have one that’s federal, and the other one is state. And they're excellent, but they’ve also been doing it for years, they go constantly to workshops that are a week long, not two or three hours.

Now that some of the pressure was lifted, I started helping other sick Gulf War Veterans. I became a board member of National Gulf War Resource Center and also a consumer reviewer for CMRP, which is Congressionally Directed Medical Research Program. They're very familiar with me, and I’m familiar with them for ill Gulf War Veterans. I was a part of testimony two times in D.C. against the VA, the treatment we were receiving, or lack of it, I should say.

And I've been dealing with the VA in various forms to get better with that, but the biggest, without a doubt, the biggest help has been the service dog, unequivocally. Without him, I wouldn't be breathing. There's no way. He changed my life significantly. I dealt with, when I got him, I was in really deep dark depression. I mean it was bad. I wouldn't leave the house for weeks. Yeah, it was bad. Ever since I've gotten him, I’m off antidepressants, off antianxiety pills, my meds, and I actually leave the house now. I have headaches that will drop a horse. Sometimes they come on instantly, which he can detect somehow. He'll give me about 20 minutes' warning. He [service dog] did that, he learned it on his own. Other times it's just kind of a slow-onset migraine that's kind of a normal migraine, which he doesn’t smell. Sarge, heel. Hey. Heel. He wants a bribe. Dogs know how to work people really well, even well‑trained ones like this.

I worked in mental health. Very dedicated people, amazing people. And you see people like anywhere that care about you, that listen, or at least pretend to, and you see the people that don’t have the time of day for you. And, like I've said, after all the visits I've made, and you start feeling like you're wasting their time, or you're not being taken serious or whatever, I go down there, and of course I cannot imagine that any government agency could operate the way they do on a full-time basis because of the expense because they were dedicated to me. Not another patient coming in 15 minutes later. So I get that we can’t live like that on a full-time basis, but it was amazing that they listened to everything, much like you're doing now. Everything I had to say on the subject. Met with counselors and physicians and a dietician, and yoga was introduced. So they're looking at suggestions for you to help with pain, your diet, but the whole spectrum of the healthcare, so that was great. That was the first time, and I don’t want to get people in trouble, but that was first time that somebody basically acknowledged Gulf War Illness, that my symptoms fit it. And of course I just spoke with one of the doctors last week, and she said we can’t diagnose, so that's why it's not written in your records that way, but they're actually also the ones that said, they recommended a service dog for PTSD. So it was, I don’t know, it was emotional talking about everything, talking about other issues that are not health related like we're talking about today. I would recommend that for anybody. In a way, it's too bad we can’t do a smaller version of that for Veterans when they first get out. It might help steer us to the proper care sooner.

I do like sitting out when it’s nice outside, I like sitting out on my front watching the birds. I’ve got all kinds of birds in my yard. And just sitting out and just chilling as much as I—that’s my way of- Sometimes like I’ve got my computer upstairs. And I do a lot of game playing on it. Sometimes I just sit here and just shut my eyes closed and just rock in my chair. Just letting everything just kind of let go. That’s probably my number one useful thing.

Well it’s been, like I say, it’s been the Methodist church, it’s been New Life Church, it’s been the Lutheran church, it’s been Landmark Church. It’s been all these churches that I’ve talked to by reading the Bible, and how I would read something one day, I’ll give you an example. I was reading one day in the book of Romans about the crying out how the Father has your sons and daughters going to be his God. And then next day, I went to my church in Frederick, and that was powerful, I spent six months just crying. because the word would just feel like He was preaching it right to me. But after that day, at my church, I went to Aberdeen, and I went to this Lutheran church, and I didn’t understand it, but I was there to hear what that pastor had to say. Just what the sermon was. And the sermon that day was, guys, the sermon is nice, but you need to get in the word, you need to talk, let the Holy Spirit talk to you through His word. And that stuck out to me big that day. The next church I went to was New Life. And I knew the pastor there, his name was Rodney, which I got to know, and his sermon that day was all about the Holy Spirit. And once he was done with his sermon, he walked, I wasn’t even in the chapel, I was outside in the hallway outside, when he was done with his sermon he walked out of church, out to the hallway where I was, and walked right to me. And I thought, that’s kind of crazy, but I asked him, I says, Rodney, what is going on? So why am I drawn to three different pastors this morning, on Sunday morning, why am I drawn to three different pastors to hear their sermons? And he looked at me, and he told me, he says, Chuck, the Holy Spirit’s touching your heart. He says, He’s knocking at your heart.

Well I feel like there’s a, I don’t feel like God allows us to go through stuff for no reason. There’s a plan, a purpose. And I’m always trying to figure out what my plan or purpose was. So, when I started making the hiking sticks, it gave me a purpose. But now that’s kind of been taken away again. So, now I’m back, okay, now what? So I think what keeps me going is just continuing to try to find the purpose in it all, and that’s where some of the poetries come out, and stuff. Other than that, I know that this isn’t all there is, that after I leave here, I’m going to go to a place that there is no pain, or suffering, and I have that hope. That it’s going to get better, down the road, whenever God deems it’s my time. But, it’s just trying to keep that hope alive and during the hard days, where it’s just like, that’s what I always go back to. And I always have my mom here who is a woman of faith, and always reminds me, even when I start to forget, so. I’m right in that middle ground right now, just like I said the hiking sticks was really my way to give back, and I don't know if I’m going to be able to continue doing that.

So, yeah. That was really good—and then I went to—I started going to—my neighbor is really religious and works for the church and started going to the church. I always believed in God and stuff, but just started going to church here and there, and talked to a couple pastors, just about what I was going through with that and then my issues, my health issues, and you know.

You know, and ever since I found the Lord, you know, I walked away from all that stuff. I walked away from drinking, I walked away from smoke, everything, it’s done and gone. It’s pretty powerful but it’s, I don’t need any of it, I don’t want any of it. It was trying to help me understand how to process this whole thing. You know, because I wasn’t getting any relief, so you know, pretty much I reached out for drugs, and alcohol, and everything else, whatever I could do to deaden the pain and try to get over it. But that’s like a lot of people, you know, they reach for something else.

If I just make these tiny tweaks I see a little bit of a difference in my level. And marijuana does that as well. Started to use it to sleep. I started when I got back from Desert Storm. As I think when I first started. And I honestly think that I was I don't know treating in some way, whatever. Anger. A lot of anger. Maybe young men are angry by nature, I don't know. But anger. So it helped with that. And then I started having these panic attacks and I used marijuana on a limited basis and recreational, when I started to have panic attacks they would trigger a panic attack. And I mean trigger hard. And I kept thinking maybe it’s the strain. Where is an Indica versus a Sativa or whatever and try different and it would just send me into a full-on full-blown panic attack. So I stepped away, didn’t use marijuana probably four years. Marijuana has really, I mean it’s huge… That might be something that I would tell other Veterans that if you’re having some sleep issues, nausea, maybe some mood to potentially consider visiting a State that’s recreational and exploring some of that. So that’s what I’ve been doing. I keep a journal with a picture of what it was, this strain where I got it and what it does. This one helps me sleep, this one helps my mood. This one I don’t like this one it elevates me, and it makes me whatever. So it’s almost like I’m keeping this scientific journal of what it does for me because there is nobody else to do that. So and I haven’t told anybody about this all the way through until just recently this last year. That’s when I finally told my behavioral health what I’m doing.

That scares me, being in that pain again. That really scared me. Now, so I took a year off from pills, and I told you that before. I was taking 16 pills a day, maybe 20, three times a day, five here. I mean just ridiculous. So 2018, I just, I quit. And I was doing the CBDs and, honestly, I was doing some THCs to try to get the pain stopped, and for that year, I felt pretty good because I wasn’t having to worry about the pills and all that stuff. The side effects, that I was having to take another pill to fix that side effect. It was just the wormhole or rabbit hole. So anyway, I just, I stopped. I was taking CBD tablets for the year, and honestly that year I felt a lot better. I mean the pain is still there. I don’t think it ever goes away. Just finding somehow to cover it up with something else