Effects of Gulf War Illness and Military Service on Relationships and Family
The Veterans we spoke with talked about the wide range of effects that their military service and GWI had on their family and other social relationships. They discussed the trials and tribulations of Veterans and the mental and physical consequences of the Persian Gulf War for them and their families. We also heard heartening stories of familiar support, compassion, and advocacy.
Relationships Suffered After Returning Home from the Gulf War
Many participants described how persistent mood changes, PTSD, and symptoms of GWI affected their relationships and marriages in the years after they returned from the Gulf War. For instance, when Shannon returned from the Gulf, she started suffering from PTSD, anxiety, and panic attacks. She believes if she would have had treatment for those conditions, it could have saved her marriage. Click here to hear more about transitioning home and out-processing from the military.
“Santos” began experiencing PTSD and a loss of sexual interest when he returned from the Gulf, which has altered his relationships.
“Santos” began experiencing PTSD and a loss of sexual interest when he returned from the Gulf, which has altered his relationships.
By the time I came back from the Gulf, my marriage, within a span of five or six months, got the point where my ex-wife basically, my ex-wife now, basically said ‘I don’t know who in the heck you are. This is not the person that I knew. My husband went there, and I don’t know who you are that came back.’ So that's the way she told it to me. […] So my wife at the time saw that I was really kind of just closing up, putting a wall around myself. I mean I never got to the point where I was ever physically or mentally abusive to my wife or to my daughter or anybody, physically abusive to anybody like that. […] All the time I’m dealing with depression, my marriage is going to crap, I’m having nightmares. […] I was screaming my nightmares. My wife would come in the room screaming, ‘what's the matter with you?’ My wife would wind up over at my buddy's house crying. My wife, she was afraid to come home. She was afraid to bring the baby around me. So my whole world had just gone to crap in a handbasket, and I’m talking within a matter of months from the time that I got back from the Gulf. So, from that point, I mean it's just been a slow decline physically and spiritually. I noticed, oh, going back to when I was still in Germany, I noticed that sexually I had no more interest in intimacy with my ex-wife, and that was one of the big problems that, [age redacted] years old, I mean, before I went over there, that wasn’t an issue. Coming back, it was a huge issue because it was a huge part of our relationship, and now that's gone. Completely gone. And that was one of the things, and I was seeing that with my new girlfriend who I married, is now my current wife. So during that time, my relationship with everybody pretty much was starting to suffer, with my father, with my mom, my brothers, sisters, family, friends. I stopped going to family functions. I kind of self-isolated myself from everybody. Didn’t want to be around people.
I put my wife through hell, a lot of hell, and right now, my relationship with my current wife right now is really crappy. I mean we're still physically living in the same house together, and she has a lot more understanding of what I’m going through than almost anybody in the whole world, being what she does for a living, so I think if she was just Jane housewife, I’d have been divorced… But my wife knows what PTSD is, and she's the one that kind of, my relationship with my wife is close, but there's still that huge friction between us.
Shawn has dealt with loved ones telling him it was all in his head.
Shawn has dealt with loved ones telling him it was all in his head.
Unfortunately, I had chosen a bad relationship in New Hampshire with a healthcare worker who denied my sickness and denied that my shoulder was a problem, and when I had surgery, she didn’t say a word. It's like she said I was making it up for 20 years. She goes, it's all in your head. And not only that, makes you feel like you must be lying. It really must be in my head. Here's a healthcare worker who's not VA but who is telling me there's no way possible that they haven't done something all these years. And you start doubting yourself, and you feel embarrassed to talk about it. And not only the IBS, but you feel, why am I always sick?
“Roger” has been married twice and has had what he describes as other “failed relationships,” which he partially attributes to PTSD.
“Roger” has been married twice and has had what he describes as other “failed relationships,” which he partially attributes to PTSD.
Now the fatigue and the PTSD from that just, your head could explode from that frustration and the guilt, I’m dealing with that… Got divorced, especially when you have a nightmare and you find yourself on the floor and the wife says, ‘well I didn’t know what to do, I was afraid I was going to have get the shotgun and shoot you because I was afraid for the kids.’ I’m like, ‘thanks, appreciate your support.’ So that didn’t last much longer. And, gotten few years later got remarried and still tried to tough it out, trying to make a living, you know you just tough it out and you go to the VA doctors when you can.
Brian discusses the effect of early deployments on his first marriage.
Brian discusses the effect of early deployments on his first marriage.
So then, just the military can affect relationships so poorly because I was gone for probably six months at first to do my basic, my AIT, and all that, and then to finally get stationed and set up a home for my wife to come out from California. She came out, and then I did a lot of field time in the military. That's what we did. We were out in the field. So I would spend weeks away from home out in the field and then to get deployed into the desert for seven months, and she immediately left. Once I flew out, I’m sure I hadn’t even landed before she had packed and left. So, yeah, just, I would have never, I don’t know. I’m a very loyal person. I would have never, I would have made my marriage work. I would have made, it's just, I don’t know. It made me feel somewhat of a failure because I've been married three times. I’d like to do it once and be done with it and like have a happy every after, but it's hard to do in the military for sure.
Shawn has found it difficult to have good relationships since he has had PTSD and health effects from GWI.
Shawn has found it difficult to have good relationships since he has had PTSD and health effects from GWI.
And then people see you and like, what's wrong? You're in a bad mood. No, I just don’t feel good, and it becomes your life. And then you get that negative feedback from the girlfriend or from other people and like and unfortunately, I’m somebody that really worries too much about what other people think, so that makes it even worse… But I don’t know if they’re fully to blame. I know they're not fully to blame through PTSD, but I think that's been hard to have a good relationship. No violence or anything like that, but, yeah. And, like I said, that one girlfriend I had who didn’t believe that I was feeling bad, so it's been kind of hard to have a good relationship I guess, even though I’m always told I’m a nice guy. The kids always like me and everything else. I've been single for 20 years.
PTSD Effects Relationships with Children
Some Veterans described how PTSD has affected their relationships with their children.
Paul became more socially withdrawn after returning from the Gulf, which he thinks might have affected his relationships with his children.
Paul became more socially withdrawn after returning from the Gulf, which he thinks might have affected his relationships with his children.
I pretty much, I was very outgoing. And then I'd say after the Gulf War that really kind of changed I wasn’t quite as outgoing. And it’s gotten worse to where I've just kind of kept to myself more as time goes on. My kids have actually, you know, I try to hide a lot from them, you know, I don’t talk to them about anything, never have. They’ve said stuff to me about you’re socially awkward. You don’t want to be around people. You don’t want to talk to people. So they’ve noticed, you know? But that wasn’t me before. But that is me now I don’t want to be around a group of people. I can do fine like one-on-one with people; I'm fine with that. But any more than that, I really shy away from it. So my kids have noticed. I probably haven’t taken them a lot of places like I probably should have because I don’t like going out. I was married. I don't know if this had to do with me or her why we got a divorce, but she got a boyfriend. And maybe she got a boyfriend because of how I was more withdrawn. I don't know. So maybe it affected my marriage, but I don't know. I just, I don’t know that other people really recognize other than I don’t want to be around people.
Shannon wishes her daughter would understand triggers she experiences from PTSD and have more patience with her.
Shannon wishes her daughter would understand triggers she experiences from PTSD and have more patience with her.
But it’s really difficult for family members, of course I’m a single parent with an 18-year-old daughter. It’s really difficult for family members to understand, I mean I don't know maybe in my situation my daughter just doesn’t care, but I try to explain to her about my triggers and she doesn’t get it. And so, I get yelled at and things like that, so. I mean you’re constantly triggered if you have that person who’s constantly judging or telling you what you should and shouldn’t do. So, in my situation that’s why I’m glad that she’s leaving because I need to focus on me, but just patience. I mean because we all get triggered from different things and I might just be triggered from somebody saying, you know how is your day? You know? I don’t want to talk about my day, you know my day’s pretty shitty, so I don’t want to talk about it. And then she gets mad at me because then she, you’re being rude you know that’s not nice and you need to be nice and. But it’s a trigger, you know? So then it just sets off everything and then I get angry, you know. Because things aren’t going, it’s just a whole slew of different emotions and things.[…] Patience, you know and to understand that there was trauma and there are things that are going to trigger, and if the Veteran says I’m being triggered right now, that the family members understand, okay. And they give the Veteran some space and let them go through the motions.
Giving and Receiving Family Support
Veterans spoke about how the emotional and caregiving support they receive from their families influences their well-being and ability to cope with illness. Many Veterans’ spouses or family members have been advocates in their GWI diagnostic/treatment experiences, like Brian’s wife, who through research, linked symptoms he was experiencing with GWI: “she's really brought it to light that they may be related to the military for sure.” Veterans also spoke of families providing emotional support and understanding. For instance, “Doug’s” mother and sister are his closest aids dealing with his illness. His wife understands at times what he’s dealing with, but “she’s kind of a tough-love-deal-with-it type of girl.” Some participants spoke about how their own support of family and loved ones keeps them going.
When “Edgar” let his family in and talked openly with them, he found strength in their support and realized they were stronger as a team.
When “Edgar” let his family in and talked openly with them, he found strength in their support and realized they were stronger as a team.
I didn’t realize at first how I was affecting my family. I just know that I was angry, I was frustrated. I felt like nobody was listening, nobody was hearing, they don’t understand. I felt isolated, felt isolated from world from my family. And I was in my dark days at that time, and I needed to be rescued. And of course, you know the people that care for you the most are the ones you want to resist the most from. […] And I didn’t see how that affected my family. And then I first lashed out off anger, ‘you don’t know what I’m going through’ and this and that. And then I realized I was being selfish, because how am I fixing anything if I’m letting this control the dynamic of the family? […] And so I noticed that the only way I could help my family is let my family help me, and got to listen. You know? I mean your family doesn’t want the worst on you, they want the best for you. Got to listen to your family, got to listen, you got to spill the beans, talk about it, be open to suggestions. You’re not going alone. When you’re going through this, your whole family’s going through it- that’s what you got to remember. And so, makes you stronger if you go together as a team, as a family and that’s what, I’m still not there, but I’m working, getting, trying to get there.
Ken was unmarried and often felt like he didn’t “have anybody,” however he has found supporting his special needs granddaughter gives him a sense of purpose.
Ken was unmarried and often felt like he didn’t “have anybody,” however he has found supporting his special needs granddaughter gives him a sense of purpose.
I have two grandkids that live with me too. One is a special needs, and, yeah. She keeps me on my toes. She's high functioning, so she's like, what do you consider normal? She's teetering on it. She'll probably never be able to drive or stuff like that, but she's come a lot further than what she was at first. She was failure to thrive at first. Yeah, that was tough. She's 13 now. So, she wasn’t supposed to live past four with what her… but she's done well. She's done really well. Yeah. So that keeps me going. She's probably the one thing that keeps me right.
Renegotiating Role and Identity in the Context of Gulf War Illness
Veterans shared experiences rediscovering their family roles in the context of having GWI and their declining health and function. Some share struggles with negotiating new ways of relating to loved ones and adapting to their changing health.
“Edgar” used to feel like he failed at his roles of father and husband—even at being a man.
“Edgar” used to feel like he failed at his roles of father and husband—even at being a man.
My weakness is I don’t want to have to be dependent on anybody- that’s my weakness. I’ve always been the type of person, I was raised without a father, I was the oldest of three younger brothers and I always, I stood up and took charge. So I don’t want to be, I want to be in charge of my body and my, what I can do. And I feel hopeless when I can’t do that and that’s part of, you know I got to take care of my family, I got to do this. That’s just the way I was brought up and that’s the way I feel, and when you can’t do that you feel like, I feel like I’ve failed as a father, husband, as a man. I mean, today I think differently because I know the reality is I can only do what I can do. And I would say today, to all anybody that ever does watch this, just as long as you’re doing what’s, putting one foot in forward and doing what’s best and for you and your family, putting them front, things will work themselves out. And you don’t have to be hero or super person all the time, it’s okay. I’ve always kind of been a little bit sensitive but I never showed anybody. I was always the type of person that hit it. Today I’m just the opposite, wear it like you own it, you know? It’s all right people, you’re going to have those happy days, sad days, you can be a man and cry, that’s not a problem.
Charles’ health has transitioned his role in the family to what he describes as a “house husband.”
Charles’ health has transitioned his role in the family to what he describes as a “house husband.”
Basically, I’m just at home. I get up with my wife early in the morning, take her to work, and then come home, wake my son up. Make him breakfast every morning and stuff, and just I’m basically a house husband, now. Do laundry and you know, dishes, and make the bed. Which I did some of that stuff anyway, I always was—I’m very like a neat person and stuff, so I always helped my wife. I don’t believe in—she works just as hard as I—I’m not one of those guys—Where’s dinner. You know? She did most of the cooking. I wasn’t—I barbequed and stuff, but she was mainly the cook. So now I cook. She still cooks a little bit, but I do most of the cooking. Which is fine. I clean all the stuff up. I don’t mind it. But it is kind of—as a man, you’re like—I’d rather be getting up, going to work. You know? Friday afternoon rolls around, you’re like—All right, it’s the weekend. Every day is like a Monday and a Friday to me. I don’t have no… so… but I earn my keep. My wife calls me her personal assistant.