Robert
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Soon after landing in Saudi Arabia in 1990, several months before the Gulf War began, Robert was stabbed in the ankle by a mechanic. Although he didn’t think much of the incident at first, a week later, he took off his boot to find that his foot was “black, like seriously black.” He spent a couple weeks in the nurse’s tent, where they told him he had cellulitis. Knowing that he could have lost his foot if the infection got any worse, “being a young kid that scared the mess out of [him].” As the war approached, Robert started having severe abdominal pain and went to the MASH unit for a few weeks for treatment. He was treated as if he had chemical poisoning and was put in isolation, even though the source of his pain was unknown. Though he still has questions about his treatment, he has not been able to access his records. Robert remembers the numerous exposures he encountered during the war, including anti-nerve agent pills, chemically treated water, burn pits, burning oil wells, and experimental vaccinations, and wonders how these factors may still be influencing his health today.
Robert was the “low man on the totem pole” in his platoon and often got picked on. After the war ended, Robert stayed back for about a month to help clean and load equipment, and during that time found many souvenirs that people had stashed away. Although he knew that his own platoon had hid contraband, he refrained from turning them in due to coercion. Upon returning home, servicemembers were granted a weeklong amnesty period to turn in any remaining contraband or firearms. While Robert planned to come clean to the Criminal Investigation Division about the hidden contraband, he was intimidated by his platoon sergeant, who said that if Robert told them the truth, he would “find some way of getting’ rid of me”: “I couldn’t say nothin’ to nobody because I was fearing for my life all along and I was panicking… I felt like my life was in jeopardy.” He was given an other-than-honorable discharge when he turned in the firearm his platoon had told him to keep on the last day of the amnesty period. For Robert, “that was them abandoning me and I was doing what they asked me to do.”
Since his deployment, Robert has continued to struggle with leg and back pain, trouble walking, and irritable bowel syndrome. He has also suffered with severe skin problems: “My hands and everything and my feet, the skin doesn’t heal on ‘em,” causing “severe pain to where I can’t even hardly grab stuff no more.” Additionally, he has dealt with frequent blood clots in his lungs, spells of vertigo, and passing out, which eventually forced him to retire. In the past, Robert used cannabis to help him get through his workdays, but eventually had to quit due to restrictions at the clinic where he receives pain medication. He also dealt with addiction to pain medication after being prescribed opioids. He experiences PTSD and suicidal ideation and attempted to take his life three times. Robert thinks that managing pain is a huge part of caring for his mental health: “…I live with pain 24/7 but, you know, you have to learn how to adapt and control it.” Over the years, he has learned how to be aware of his pain and know when he needs to take breaks.
Due to his discharge status, Robert is unable to receive VA healthcare: “The VA has denied my care forever… they won’t touch you unless you get that less than honorable discharge turned around.” He has been trying to get his discharge overturned for a decade and has been met with endless bureaucratic hurdles. Instead, Robert sees private doctors with private insurance and supplemental Medicare, resulting in high healthcare costs. Although he believes he suffers with Gulf War Illness, he has not pursued a diagnosis because his providers are unfamiliar with the condition. Instead, he works to treat individual symptoms with his doctors and manages pain at a private pain clinic, where he also sees a therapist.
After working as a successful car salesman for 20 years, Robert was forced to retire due to his health struggles and now relies on disability benefits. Since retiring, Robert and his wife “…just kind of stay at home and kind of just, [they] go back and forth to the doctors.” His wife, who is a retired nurse, is his main caregiver and has been vital in managing his health. She struggles with her own health issues as well, so they share a mutual understanding of living with pain: “So, we’re like two peas in a pod. We always laugh and say, who’s gonna have a problem today?” He tells other caregivers of Veterans that they need to have patience with their loved ones and “let them know that you’re there for ‘em regardless of what goes on.” He would like other Veterans to know that “there’s always somebody out there willing to listen if you’re willing to find somebody to talk to.”
Robert wonders why medical providers didn’t communicate with him about his care while in the service.
Robert wonders why medical providers didn’t communicate with him about his care while in the service.
You know, I would like to know the answers to is what was their diag—I know they done tests on me when I was in Desert Storm when I was in the MASH hospital. What the test showed. What kind of medications they gave me and what was the end result? I mean I was filled full of medications and everything and IV fluids and then three weeks, two weeks, somethin’ like that, shipped back to my unit. What was the outcome of it? I mean why. Where was the answer to what was wrong with me? And more about this Desert Storm Syndrome. I mean they had to do—they got it down to a Desert Storm Syndrome but they ain’t really got—you know, what are they gonna give you for it? I don’t know what to take for it. You can’t take a whole bunch of pain meds all the time because that causes more problems than what it’s worth. But my thing is, I’d love to know what their diagnosis was. Why I got so sick and was rushed to a MASH hospital and then they took care of me like I was chemically poisoned with the dang, looked like a biological suit that they come and put you in. They put you in a—I was in my own little separate room away from all the other patients in isolation. Why was I isolated from the rest of the people in the hospital? What made me different from the other two people just a few feet from me? So, that’s my thing. Why was I isolated from everybody else and what was my diagnosis? When I was young, I was scared so I just, you know, took it with a grain of salt thinking they knew what they was doing. But now I’m older and look back on it, you know, what’s the, what was the outcome? Why was I given that stuff? What went on? Why did I need all that?
Support groups or therapy can help loved ones understand and have patience.
Support groups or therapy can help loved ones understand and have patience.
I would think that you’ve gotta find a support group, somebody to talk, you know, it helps me when I go to [town redacted] and talk to a therapist. But ya also find your loved ones to let 'em talk to. I mean patience. You gotta have patience. My wife is the most patient person in the world. You know, I put her through hell. I’m not complaining. I know I do, but you gotta have patience. I know it’s hard, but you gotta have patience. You gotta let them know that you’re there for 'em regardless what goes on. Patience is what is needed. You need somebody to talk to and have patience and be understanding and listen to 'em. Because most people will tell you what’s wrong with 'em if you listen to 'em.
Robert wants the government to take accountability.
Robert wants the government to take accountability.
A better organized VA system and more responsibility of the VA taking care of us and finally coming out admitting, look, we know we gave you nerve agent pills. We know they were experimental. We know that they gave you problems. They want—I just want 'em to admit to what they have done. I mean, you know, if they’re willing to make you stand in formation and take a pill and put in your hand and take a swig of water and watch you do that and tell you that they’re experimental pills and you can’t sue the government. You need to come back and say we’re gonna take care of you regardless of what the outcome is. Because that’s a guinea pig in my eyes. And I talked to all my buddies and they say the same thing. They just want the government to finally come out and say, look, we messed up. We gave you all experimental medications. It has caused you all, I don’t know if I can ever have kids and I got a lot of friends that away. And again, the kids they’ve had, have medical problems too. So, I just think they should admit to what they have done.
Opening up to someone else can be hard, but it’s worth it to Robert.
Opening up to someone else can be hard, but it’s worth it to Robert.
That there’s always somebody out there willing to listen if you’re willing to find somebody to talk to. You gotta be able to open up. And that can be hard. I know it’s hard to open up and tell somebody that you feel ashamed, or you feel left out. For years, I carried around the bag of, “Why did the military let me get kicked out when I turned in my gun during amnesty?” That was, to me, that was them abandoning me and I was doing what they asked me to do.
The water American service members used in Saudi Arabia was bleached to help prevent water-borne illnesses.
The water American service members used in Saudi Arabia was bleached to help prevent water-borne illnesses.
Because the water that we was given over there in Saudi Arabia was heavily bleached water to kill the bacteria that was in the water. You have water units where they supposed to pump clean water and give you clean water ‘cuz we had water buffalos which is like a big thing where they put water in, and you go up and fill your canteens up and everything. And what it is, is water they get from, I don’t what do you call it, the thing in the desert where the water comes.
Interviewer: A well?
Participant: Like a well, yeah, like a water well they get out of—they pump the water out of the desert and they run it through a filtration system and they fill up the water buffalos for us, all of the military people where they add chlorine and everything else to it so they can kill all the bacteria and everything in it. So, for a year or so, I didn’t know nothing but chlorine flavored water.
Robert credits his wife for saving his life multiple times.
Robert credits his wife for saving his life multiple times.
I mean it falls back on my wife. She is my caregiver. And she don’t get no recognition for it and no nothin’ else. If it wasn’t for her I would’ve been dead years ago. And that’s fact. Because if wasn’t for her being a nurse and she knows what to look for and she questions everything they do. I mean, I just want them to come forth and say we’re gonna take care of y’all and quit tryin’ to fight ya and quit given ya 10,000 pieces of paper to sign and nothing tell about it.