Jeremy

The issues that I had from my early, from my early-to-mid 20’s they were mild. They were very mild for the first 10 years after my return. And sometimes, you know, as you get to your 30’s and early 40’s you kind of start, I know that you feel like you can put an excuse to what you feel as, you know, I’m gettin’ a little older. I’m not a spring chicken no more. Is it something that the Gulf caused? It is something that, you know, maybe I’m just workin’ myself too hard. I mean you really can’t put your finger on why you feel the way you feel. And you really don’t know until a little later on, you know, probably my mid-to-early 40s is when I really started to go, gosh, you compare myself to other people that are similar to me and I really just don’t fit in that box. They’re tired and having issues too but it’s not the same issues that I was having. Mine seemed to be a little bit more extreme on many different levels and that’s when I started doing some lookin’ into the VA and researching going is it just me? Is it other people having these issues?

It’s so important to have a database that says that, you know, they know where you were at. They know what you did. Now they don’t know everything you did but they know enough. And that if a people within a circumference of that zone, 70% of those are having these issues, well, and if somebody comes up to you and says, hey, I’m having these issues and I was in this zone, you know, the VA should eliminate some of those barriers to say, you know what, there is a good possibility that you fit in that category. We should help figure out whether or not you really have what you have. You’re gonna have some people out there claiming things that never happened to 'em and I think that’s just the way it is in the system, whether it’s the VA or outside of the VA. But if you claim something and you’ve, or said you’ve had some of this experience, I think the VA should take a little bit of ownership in that and say, you know what, there’s people who have had this in that zone as well who are service connected, who have proven those. We should help you figure out whether or not you truly do have this by either going through the VA care, allowing them to get these testing done for free, and if they are connected, take care of 'em. If they’re not connected, then say we’re not finding a relation and until you prove otherwise, fine. But they won’t even take those first steps. They’ll say until you prove to us that you deserve this, we won’t even look at it. And I think that’s where the system needs to change because not everybody has the wherewithal to—or has the health to be able to fight through this process. And I think that’s one of the things that the VA needs to recognize and say, you know what, we know what we did to ya, or we know what we put you through, then we need to give you the benefit of the doubt to find out really are you compensating me for that or not. I think that’s the mentality that should change. They say it on paper, but they don’t do it. They say if you have an unexplained illness, you know, we’re just gonna take that for a grain of salt and pay you. It’s not what we’re asking for. We’re not asking for the payment. We’re asking for the recognition that, yes, this did happen to you and you need to be compensated for it. But you still need to have proof that that really happened to you and we’re gonna do our own testing because we know from Veterans that do really have this, what that outcome is. And if you meet that criteria, then you should be compensated for it. If you don’t, then you don’t get it. But the VA won’t even do that. I mean prove us wrong and then we’ll pay you. And that’s what’s broken.

I think attitude is everything. And I’ve had some really good VA providers that were there for the right reasons and others were absolutely horrific that they shouldn’t even be part of the VA system. And choose providers carefully, examiners as well, right? I’ve had some really excellent examiners for my C&P’s. I had others that when you walked in the room you just knew that whatever you said is gonna go out the window. And you had that feeling before you even sat down, and they even asked your name. I know it’s hard to find people. I can struggle with that. But I would rather continue on with my business with limited amount of people who are there for the right reasons then to have a bunch of warm bodies that aren’t. Because when a Veteran’s going in for their first C&P and they get treated like a plague, that you’re just here for freebies. I’m not here for freebies.

You can’t give up. I think I’ve had—I’ve lost some war buddies already. And it really comes down to the mental game and I don’t like to lose. I know they didn’t like to lose. And I think what it really comes down to is don’t quit on yourself. You wouldn’t lay down in a fight, why lay down now? We’ve gotta keep pushin’ through, not only for prior Veterans, the Veterans that were in the Gulf, and past Veterans that are doing these other conflicts. You know, you did the time, you laid yourself open with the possibility—not too many people sign a will at 18. And for them to do that, they’re doing their part let’s make the VA do theirs. I think that’s the big thing, right? The VA needs—we stepped up when they asked. Now we’re askin’ them to step up when we ask. And I feel that they’ve got a ways to go. They got a ways to go. And it truly is—comes down to the mental side of things. You know, you can be physically broken, yeah, you get $3500, $3600 dollars a month but in today’s economy [2019] it’s—I don’t even know how these people live off a thousand dollars from Social Security who are disabled. It’s terrible. We should be taking care of those people who worked and fought and instead the system seems to kick 'em to the curb. But you can’t stop. You just gotta get up every day and do it again. That’s my hope. My hope is to be able to keep everybody just goin’ one more day and just gettin’ through it and pray and hope that the system changes, right? We didn’t ask any questions when we went but they sure have a lot of questions for us when we come home and that’s bullshit. So, that’s my big push is, you know what, fight for what’s yours, don’t give up, hang in there, find something that—there is help out there. It’s available. They’re not gonna give it to ya. You’re gonna have to fight for it like you fought the first time and that’s the big push.

The asthma, I feel that there’s multiple things that could be related to the asthma. I don’t specifically have exactly which is which other than we had traveled through many of the oil fires that were burning so we had that smoke that we were inhaling, right? Two is the Gulf War sand particulates are extremely sharp and minute. We were engulfed in numerous sandstorms where it was just a wall. And when it hit ya, you couldn’t see your hand three inches right in front of your face. We had goggles but nothing really for protection for lungs. So, that could be a portion of it. We also did, I don’t know if this sarin could have something to do with it because there’s many times where we ended up, our alarms would go off, but they told us to disconnect them because they were faulty and that wasn’t the case. So, the VA themselves, the doctors, finally kind of came through that they think that our unit was hit with low levels of sarin gas between four and eight times, separate times, on multiple occasions. And so, maybe one or two of those, of the initial incidences were MOPP 4 masks and the other incidences occurred that we didn’t know they happened because we were told to turn the equipment off because it was faulty. So, I don’t have an exact number other than I know the first two I think was protected for but the other ones, I’m not sure. And then the last one of the details is either trash burning, the burn pit, along with doing cleaning out the latrine stalls, using diesel and lime to ignite that burn. So, I’ve been involved with all of that. 

I’m still having other issues that nobody can understand. And since nobody can understand it, they’re not gonna pay for it. And that’s fine. I’m at the 100% and I’m thankful for that. But, you know, there’s other people that have these issues and the VA just says, well, we will take care of you for unexplained illnesses, however they really don’t. Because if they’re unexplained and nobody can give you a diagnosis for 'em they’re gonna say, well, you have no proof. We don’t know really what it came from and they deny it. And so, that’s what I’m hearing a lot of feedback from other Veterans that have these issues, which I have too. They’re unexplained but, yet, I think the VA knows what they’re about but they’re just not gonna give it up that easy. The issues that I had from my early, from my early-to-mid 20’s they were mild. They were very mild for the first 10 years after my return. And sometimes, you know, as you get to your 30’s and early 40’s you kind of start, I know that you feel like you can put an excuse to what you feel as, you know, I’m gettin’ a little older. I’m not a spring chicken no more. Is it something that the Gulf caused? It is something that, you know, maybe I’m just workin’ myself too hard. I mean you really can’t put your finger on why you feel the way you feel. And you really don’t know until a little later on, you know, probably my mid-to-early 40s is when I really started to go, gosh, you compare myself to other people that are similar to me and I really just don’t fit in that box. They’re tired and having issues too but it’s not the same issues that I was having. Mine seemed to be a little bit more extreme on many different levels and that’s when I started doing some lookin’ into the VA and researching going is it just me? Is it other people having these issues? And I started to realize that through, and I’m not a big fan of social media, but I did get into some social media. I reconnected with some Veterans that I was deployed with. One of 'em set up a networking group and we started having discussions just to say, hey, how’s life been treatin’ ya kind of a deal. The next thing you know they’re having issues and it’s like, well, that’s funny I have that too. And the next thing you know it goes out bigger where you get into a national platform where now you’re talking to Veterans from the same deployment across the United States that I don’t even know, you know, that are sharing pictures of skin issues to how they’re feeling personally, mentally, physically. And you start to see these relatable incidences where they’re having the same struggles that I’m havin’ so it’s not just me. And that’s when I finally said, well, maybe—it was somewhat of a relief but at the same time it was kind of like, okay, well what’s next.

And it’s just been frustrating. And I think that, you know, for the first 25, 30 years after I got out of the service, you know, I just overcame and adapted and pushed through everything. It’s just what I’ve always done. And I think I’ve gotten to the point now where I’m not able to do that anymore and I’m really being affected the last few years now with trying to comprehend and get through the daily activities. But before I didn’t have the body issues, so I was able to compensate. But now that I’ve got the body issues and the other issues, mentally, that it’s becoming the perfect storm. So, I never did claim anything with the VA. I figured, hey, you know, I’m not gonna do that. There’s other people that need it more than me.

I tried the PTSD counseling, three different providers in a year and a half. It’s hard enough to open up one time and you get a relationship with somebody where you start to feel comfortable with a little bit more sharing and they’re gone. And then, hey, we got a new provider and they want you to start all over again. We keep doing this and we keep doing this. And finally, I just said, you know what, I ain’t comin’ back. And they just are flabbergasted. I don’t understand why. I said, well you know what, some things you just don’t wanna relive. And because you guys can’t seem to keep medical professionals I don’t wanna have to start over every time. And I finally just said enough is enough. But I feel that I’ve found medication that has made an improvement for me and I got away from it for a little while and I’m back on it now, probably as of five months ago, and things are coming back to normal for me, what I would consider normal. But it’s almost like the VA leaves it up to you to decide what you wanna do. And sometimes we just don’t know what to do other than, you know, we know that things ain’t right. And I think that I’ve had 30+ medication changes. I’ve got more pills in my house than a pharmacy. And it’s a pill dump, right? So, I’ve gone through a lot of research and figured out, you know what, I’m takin’ these two pills. I’ve had where the VA screwed up, they gave me two pills in combination and they're not supposed to mix and somehow it got through the pharmacy. I took both of those and blacked out for four days. Had some embarrassing moments during those four days, ended up in the ER, where an ER doctor says, oh my God, you can’t take both of these at the same time it’ll kill ya.