“Roger”

You know. That’s what they do, they see military people day in, day out. Civilians you’re special. So that hasn’t been that bad. So it’s the attitude you know, well let’s see what we can do to help you out. And you’ll hear the same thing from VA doctors, and they even might have a different perspective because they’ve heard the similar problems. But you still, like I eluded, mentioned before you still get this feeling like, we can talk about everything but let’s don’t talk about that, you know. It’s not what’s said, it’s what’s unsaid, you know. Well I don’t, and it’s like all those times they said, well I don’t see how that could be linked to your service in the Gulf. Well to me there’s a lot of coincidences that all link me to the Gulf as a, I didn’t have this problem before and it had something to do with nerve agent, which was not far away, what else could it be? You know, well you know there, could be anything. And that’s true, they talk about, well it’s the shots they gave us, we got all the shots and all the other stuff, or the depleted uranium, yeah I was exposed to some of that. When we pulled out of that one position, I told you about and then came back. Well when we stopped there was some knocked out M1s nearby and we knew, and they were marked off, danger. But we’re all standing there saying, this is one of ours that took a hit and we want to see what it was like. But we knew, we were also very aware that it was exposed to depleted uranium. So there’s these things it all could be but we don’t want, we don’t want to go there. So you feel that underlying, things that are not being said. We want to avoid that because that’s probably going to cost the government money, and I get that too. What happened with Agent Orange, wait ‘til most of them die off.

What I, it’s a lot of it is, for me has been, I know it’s not good for me. I know, I knew I was drinking too much but I was torturing myself. It’s all mental, for me. Then for a brief period the doctor at, in the [location redacted], not doctor his PA, showed that my liver function was increasing. Now they don’t just, some of the doctors just come out and say, you got to stop drinking. And some of them say, hmm your liver function’s increasing you might, we need to talk about that. And as soon as they mentioned liver, you know what that means. I’m like, yeah, I know, I know, I got to do something about that, but I don’t have the motivation to and I really don’t care right now, I just, let me torture myself. And I’ve said that, I said, I know, I’m just torturing myself. And, it’s I know for some people there’s that addiction issue, but I’ve never really had that. I’ve had where, man I’m just going to get drunk. I mean that’s a declaration, screw it I’m going to get drunk. And you do it. Sometimes you have this craving, I could really use a drink. But it’s still all mental, you know for me. And I can’t speak for anyone else. And so, like I think back when I came back from the Gulf I was drinking beer, you know [location redacted] beer, hey. And that’s a lot of fun. But, then beer doesn’t, it’s fattening, not that I’m all that psychically conscience but it’s a lot of carbohydrates, and I knew that. So I switched, well I’ve always wanted to try, what’s this big deal about whiskey. So I started exploring different brands of whiskey and I found Canadian Mist which really was good. So I stuck with whiskey for many years. And both of my wives had a problem with that, and a couple of girlfriends and understandably so. But, I, my father and my mother had addiction issues and I was aware of that, and I had other family with addiction issues. So being conscience of that I’ve kept, that’s first thing that doctors discuss is, did your parents, did your mother, was she a drinker? Yeah and drug abuser. How about your father? Oh definitely, you know. And so it’s like, hmm? Instead of let’s talk about it, it’s just a hmm and a note. Well by the time I got to [state name redacted], I was really checking myself. What I would do is say, am I an alcoholic or not? And I said, well let me just, when I finish this bottle of whiskey tonight, I won’t buy any more, and see what happens. And I would go, well and even in [state name redacted] come to think of it, I did that. I could go weeks, or a month, two months I think I would go up to three months, with, not drink. Of course I couldn’t sleep, and I would toss and turn and it was difficult but I wasn’t going through, 'cuz you, of course we all know the symptoms of withdrawal. And I didn’t have that. So I thought, if I was really an alcoholic I would have withdrawals and everything. But apparently I wasn’t at that level of alcoholism. And so that was encouraging about knowing that about myself, that I hadn’t gotten to that point. So, I would take occasional breaks from drinking, whether it was a week or a couple of weeks, to check myself. And so then I would occasionally switch to wine, but it was that big box, you know? And I would do that, because I know that whiskey hits a lot faster and a lot harder, which is why I switched to it, 'cuz it’s more economic. Beer you got to go through more beer to get the same effect. So I stayed on whiskey for many years and then after my divorce, I had my own apartment and a occasional girlfriend at the time, who had a big issue with drinking, and rightfully so. So I would switch to wine, which didn’t have the power of whiskey. Then I would go back, kind of bounce back and forth depending on how it was going with her.

Cuz I’d take my boots off and turn my ankles like this because the bottom of my feet just a nonstop relentless burning ache that the more I’m standing the more it goes up my legs to my knees. And that’s going to be an ongoing issue to this very day. It’s just that at that time it was still new to me, I’m like, “I don't know, my leg’s killing me.” And of course fighting the fatigue. I didn’t really have, I didn’t have the problem with the rashes anymore or the diarrhea, but definitely the fatigue and the pain. You know the fatigue it comes and it goes, but the pain just has progressively gotten worse over the years. 

After I left, after my second marriage failed, and a few attempted relationships, and quit my job, went out to [state name redacted], lived with my sister a few years. I had all, finally I had all this time, I didn’t have anything to do. What I’d done was I paid off all my debts, you know cashed in a good half of my 401k, my ex-wife got a lot of that, and I took a lot of it to move out. And so I had all this time with no responsibilities, no bills, my sister just let me do whatever. I’d stay in, lock myself, not lock but I’d close the door to my room and just stay drunk. Almost three and a half years straight. And get high. I wanted to get that out of my system. I kind of like intentionally did that, just blocked the world out, which probably from psychiatric point of view is not the best thing to do. But that’s what I wanted to do. And I got that out of my system.

Now the fatigue and the PTSD from that just, your head could explode from that frustration and the guilt, I’m dealing with that… Got divorced, especially when you have a nightmare and you find yourself on the floor and the wife says, ‘well I didn’t know what to do, I was afraid I was going to have get the shotgun and shoot you because I was afraid for the kids.’ I’m like, ‘thanks, appreciate your support.’ So that didn’t last much longer. And, gotten few years later got remarried and still tried to tough it out, trying to make a living, you know you just tough it out and you go to the VA doctors when you can.

Before I came out there I did have a kind of a breakdown you could say, where all of my personal problems and everything was just coming down on top of me. And I was, I never thought I’d do it, but I, was started thinking about suicide, you know? But I pulled back from all that, because and I told him, what I was doing was , well shooting yourself with a pistol is messy, you know? I don’t want someone cussing my name because they got to clean up my brains. Hanging myself is, nothing’s going to support the rope. I’m going through all these options and one of them I settled on was, some really good, saved up all kinds of medicines over the years and just thought I would do it all with a whole bunch of alcohol, you know? And, divorce was happening, bad relationship was happening and the world was closing in on me. So that’s when I called the emergency line. And, I pulled myself back actually.

Now the fatigue and the PTSD from that just, your head could explode from that frustration and the guilt, I’m dealing with that. But I retired out of [Fort name redacted] and I immediately went to work as a civilian, just finding things to do and I’ve got lucky and scored a few corporate jobs, and did rather well. Got divorced, especially when you have a nightmare and you find yourself on the floor and the wife says, well I didn’t know what to do, I was afraid I was going to have get the shotgun and shoot you because I was afraid for the kids. I’m like, thanks, appreciate your support. So that didn’t last much longer. And, gotten few years later got remarried and still tried to tough it out, trying to make a living, you know you just tough it out and you go to the VA doctors when you can. You know and they want to focus on your alcohol, well yeah I’m trying to put myself to sleep and stay asleep. And they say, well how much do you drink? I don't know I drink until I sleep, you know? And of course, we know how alcohol works, after a few years it just takes more and more and more to put you, to knock you out.