Roy
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Roy was in the Army before the Gulf War and he was deployed to Panama fighting drug interdiction, as part of the US invasion of Panama in 1989. He joined the Army as bomb builder and ammunitions. He came home from Panama before being deployed to the Gulf War. He was exposed to ammunitions, bombs, the fallout of missiles being exploded overhead, burn pits, burning oil fields, and bombed out structures. After the Gulf War, he was deployed to Turkey and after 9/11, to Kuwait. His last deployment was to Qatar in 2007/2008.
Roy noticed signs of PTSD after getting back from Panama before being deployed to Gulf War. He noticed his other symptoms soon after retiring from the Army. He has nerve damage and neuropathy of lower and upper extremities, irritable bowel syndrome, and chronic back pain. He experiences difficulties with work and family life. “I wish I could walk out my front door and not feel it’s a bad world out there. I wish I could walk through the store and not feel like I’m struggling to push a cart or to unload the car of groceries, or just going out there and playing basketball with my child and stuff.” He describes his neuropathy as a constant pain that never goes away, even with medication it is still there.
He believes he has Gulf War Illness or at least his health problems are connected to Gulf War and other deployments. Roy says he cannot get a formal diagnosis due to the difficulties navigating the VA system and having claims denied. He expressed a lot of frustration and anger about having claims denied and getting care for health problems. “…I had put in a claim and stuff like that for some other stuff, like service connection for post-traumatic stress disorder. Denied. Neuropathy. Denied. Neuropathy of the extreme right lower extremity. Denied. Left upper extremity for neuropathy is denied. All these other things. Lower extremity for neuropathy, denied. Service-connection for irritable colon syndrome due to Gulf War. Denied.” His therapist, who is outside the VA, has been a tremendous support and help for him to navigate the health care system.
Roy says connecting with other Veterans has helped him not give up on the VA. He says his wife and his family have been his best support for coping with his health problems. Roy expressed regret with how much people over in Gulf War were hurt by the military operations and how many Veterans have been hurt by the military. “Well, the last thing I would have to say is just listen to us. We’re not all trying to bamboozle the system, we’re just trying to make our way in the world. That’s it. We’ve been through hell.”
Roy uses CBD and cannabis for pain relief.
Roy uses CBD and cannabis for pain relief.
I use CBD products and I smoke marijuana. And I said, I use these products because it helps me with my neuropathy. I said—It doesn’t take the pain totally away, but it does ease the pain. And so that’s kind of how I ended up here wanting to tell my story, because cannabis, it works. If you have neuropathy, if you have that chronic body pain, instead of popping a pill, I use cannabis. And it helps to ease it. It doesn’t take it away, it’s not perfect and everything, because you do have to smoke it or eat an edible or something like that, but it does work and it’s a sensible bridge to opiates.
Chemical alarms often went off, but Roy was told “nothing to see here.”
Chemical alarms often went off, but Roy was told “nothing to see here.”
We went down range, we were in a toxic hole. We were. When we were over in King Fahd, they had alarms going off everywhere. Everywhere. And the Marines, they kept little baby chickens outside their tent in a little cage. You could get them from the locals or whatever. Sometimes you’d go out there and the alarm would go off, sometimes the chicken would be alive, sometimes the chicken would be dead. So you tell me if we were doused with something. Because we did have events like that happening, but the whole thing is, all’s good here, nothing to see here. You hear that a lot in environments like that. Because why? Panic will paralyze. If everybody thought they got doused with chemicals, everybody would be in fear. So the standard line is, nothing to see here, press on. But we did have alarms and stuff that did go off, where who knows if we were exposed or not?
The nerve pain in Roy's legs got so bad that all he could do was lay there and cry.
The nerve pain in Roy's legs got so bad that all he could do was lay there and cry.
I have this pain. What do I do? What do I do? At first, I could push that off as my legs falling asleep. And then it got to the point that it was like, they were numb. And then it was just like, one night, I was laying in bed, and she can attest to this. I was laying there, I was crying. I was in so much pain, I hurt. So I went to my doctor, explained—Hey, this here’s what’s going on. I got—you know, I explained. He said—It sounds like neuropathy to me. And he said—You’re explaining it just perfectly, it’s like a sock, like you got pins and needles, fire shooting through your feet. And I said, that’s exactly it.
Roy dealt with feelings of uselessness that led him to considering suicide.
Roy dealt with feelings of uselessness that led him to considering suicide.
I’m starting to hurt more, back’s hurting, you know, I don’t really want to do the things that she needs done and all that good stuff. It was just—it became a drag, and everything. I started getting depressed, anxiety, felt like I was useless, a piece of crap. Still feel that way, to this day, because I don’t really produce anything besides my retirement and my disability. And all that. And so that was a good portion of it. I promised my wife, you know—Sus, I won’t come home—you won’t come home to a mess. I’m not going to off myself, I’m not going to be that greedy. Because I honestly had to think about suicide and stuff. My kids. What would happen to my kids if I left them all behind, and everything like that. I really, truly did. I had to think about being selfish like that, because it would have been easy to—because what’s left for me?
Roy explains his struggles with depression.
Roy explains his struggles with depression.
I’m starting to hurt more, back’s hurting, you know, I don’t really want to do the things that she needs done and all that good stuff. It was just—it became a drag, and everything. I started getting depressed, anxiety, felt like I was useless, a piece of crap. Still feel that way, to this day, because I don’t really produce anything besides my retirement and my disability. And all that. And so that was a good portion of it. I promised my wife, you know—Sus, I won’t come home—you won’t come home to a mess. I’m not going to off myself, I’m not going to be that greedy. Because I honestly had to think about suicide and stuff. My kids. What would happen to my kids if I left them all behind, and everything like that. I really, truly did. I had to think about being selfish like that, because it would have been easy to—because what’s left for me?
Roy reflects on the effects of the Gulf War on his mental health.
Roy reflects on the effects of the Gulf War on his mental health.
On the PTSD side, the symptom of your pain is just the mental anguish of the things that we’ve done. Nobody ever asked about that. How do you feel about bombing little kids, women, people that had nothing to do with the war effort, people who honestly didn’t run very fast? They got caught up in that war, and it was hell. It was hell on a lot of people. I regret the fact that we brought a lot of people that had nothing to do with that war, a lot of pain and a lot of bad days. In some instances, during Desert Shield/Desert Storm, when you kind of look at it, I mean this is just my opinion, some of them people that we bombed, they didn’t have a grave to go to, to mourn their dead. Some of them people were just blood spots in the sand and stuff. And for that I’m ashamed. But war is just war. What can you say about it? Things happen. And some bad, sometimes you have a miracle in the midst of all the madness, but for the most part, it’s just madness. And a lot of people, if you ain’t experienced it, it’s kind of a hard thing to explain. A lot of people that have been down range, it’s not necessarily the—Oh, everybody died event, and I’m the only one that survived. I look at it this way: It’s the war experience. It was just the fact that we had to go and do something against our moral beliefs of hurting people. When I was younger, I was a martial artist. The thing is there, in that arena, it’s about preserving life and understanding how to preserve life. When I came into the military, I bought into the program, hook, line, and sinker. I had good mentors train me well. They did. The stuff to do my job, in the face of danger. They taught me well. But there’s some hard prices that you pay for war. And a lot of it falls on the back of the innocent. Not necessarily the evil people that perpetrate it, but the innocent people that are just there, that get caught up in it. It’s kind of a shameful act, in my opinion.
Roy credits his therapist for saving him.
Roy credits his therapist for saving him.
That’s when I met my therapist, she saved me. That lady saved me. She gave me a safe place to download my feeling, my emotions, and she saved me. She did. And I thank her for that.
Roy was prescribed medication for nerve pain that didn’t actually help.
Roy was prescribed medication for nerve pain that didn’t actually help.
I went to the VA and everything and I was like—What is it anybody can do? I mean, they offered me fluoxetine, duloxetine, and some other ‘tine, and some gabapentin. Got Lyrica from my downtown doctor. And I had taken the Lyrica, and I was on that for a while. And at first I started off with 100 mg, and still didn’t have any effect to calm my nerves down, what it was supposed to do, and all that stuff, and how great that was. Never touched my neuropathy. Never did.