Jessica

It turned out there was a firing range right near my house, and I got a job there. And I think, to be honest--and they told me this later--they hired me as a joke because they thought, "this little girl, there’s no way she’s going to last," and they had me cleaning 42 firearms in two hours at the close of every shift.  And yeah, that was my job at first; I was not allowed to instruct anybody or anything like that. So, my job was to clean the range, and my job was to clean the firearms, and sell ammo and reloads to customers. So, I did that job from, I think, summer of 2008 to summer of 2009 while I was going to junior college as well, just to see... dip a toe back in education, do I know how to be a real person after everything that I saw over in Iraq.  

I mean this wasn’t me directly, but I think we had touched on this slightly that, at the range--we had had two range suicides in the ten months that I was there, and both times the range was full of people, like full. And the most heartbreaking--and this is more like a heart and PTSD injury than anything else, like this didn’t physically injure me, but it has stayed with me for my entire life--was that this guy... just was done with life, and he came in, shot a few bags of ammunition--which is pretty expensive--one bag of ammunition at the time, I think, was 30, $35, so he shot three bags of ammunition before he got up the courage. And there were children on the range, and one of them asked this simple innocent question of, "Did the bullet hit the target, and come back and hit that man?" And the child couldn’t have imagined that someone would turn the firearm on themselves willingly, and so they thought, "Oh, it must have been a safety thing, it must have been the bullet hitting the target and coming back." And, of course, it wasn’t that, and the dad said, "We’ll talk about it when we get home."  

But I still think of those people who were on the range that day; and then the next time it happened, it was actually his sister-in-law who got the idea from him and came and killed herself in the same spot. Really, really wild. If I hadn’t seen it all with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it. But that had such a lasting impact; and I think of the other people who were there at the range that day, wondering, “do they still struggle with it, do they still have nightmares about it; do they still...?" It’s one of those things where I didn’t even know the guy and I still wrestle with grief and guilt over that situation--and his sister-in-law, who I did train how to shoot. 

And so, coming into that environment, it was distressing, but it was familiar to see that same kind of behavior by the civilian range officers and the military veteran range officers alike; and there were more civilian range officers than military range officers. There were about ten of us and I think three of us were Veterans; I was the only combat Veteran and I don’t know if there was some jealousy there from that, but there was certainly the refrain repeated, "You’ve been to combat, you should be tougher than this." And yes. Yes. So, I was definitely compelled to take it; and the more that I took it, the more respect I earned and the more, like they would go a little easy on me for a while, and then there would be something else. 

And then the first of the two ranged suicides happened, and then the hazing elevated again because I had the misfortune of giving him his last bag of ammunition, so they said I killed him. It’s unreal. They would lock me on the gun range and turn out all the lights, and they would start making ghost noises from the microphone; just, in retrospect, the most ridiculous stuff, but they would do anything they could to say that it was my fault for that--which I was a 22-year-old girl who had just gotten home from Iraq and was very traumatized.  

I mean, I had no firearms experience whatsoever before I joined the military, growing up in an urban area where there was very little access to firearms, I think the only people who had access to them were at private gun ranges in--where I’m from, you have to actually sue the city to be able to get a concealed carry permit, so firearms were just not part of my upbringing; even though I was sort of out in the horse country, as it were, where you might need firearms, that’s just not something that I was ever exposed to as a child or as a teenager. And so, basic training, Week 5, rifle marksmanship, they put a rifle in my hand and I'm like, "I don’t know what to do." But one of my drill sergeants said something that stuck with me to this day, that they loved people who didn’t know anything about firearms because they were always the most careful, and that was extremely true in my case.

We even have a little bet that every time I buy a new guitar, he gets to buy a new gun. So, there’s an identity aspect in our relationship where guns are part of our story, and I don’t want that to not be the case; I love that that’s the case. I love shocking my civilian colleagues a little bit when they say, "What are you doing for your anniversary?", and I say, "Oh, we’re going to the gun range and then we’re going to go out for beers." I love that. I love getting a little rise out of that, whether they like it or not. So, I would say, it’s absolutely part of my identity.

I excelled at marksmanship and got one of the top five scores in my company of 140 people, and it was something that I didn’t even know I was good at until I joined the military. And so, once I got out of training and got to my unit, I naturally pursued more marksmanship opportunities or, if there was a chance to have more training, volunteer at the range to, whether it was loading magazines or whatever was involved in the range, I wanted to be out there as much time as I possibly could.  

And so, I went to Iraq and I was assigned an M249 which is like the submachine gun; and I had an M4, and I had an M9 pistol, and so I had those three firearms. And the submachine gun was just for mounting on the Humvees, and luckily, I never had a situation where I had to fire it in combat so that was great. I didn’t want to, like that wasn’t my job in the military; I was a civil affairs person, so my job was very much about winning the hearts and minds of the people, and it’s very difficult to do that if you’re shooting things at them.  So, my mission was just to make sure that were safe and that we had the implements that we needed to stay safe; but if I never fired around downrange, that was just fine with me. And so, luckily, that never happened. But when I got home from Iraq--and this was in 2008, April of 2008--the financial collapse had just happened--or was, I think, in the process of happening--and gas was $5 a gallon in California where I was from and my prospects--I mean I had PTSD from--I never had to fire a round downrange, but I did lose friends over there and I did see a suicide bomb go off and have to carry bodies out of rubble, and so I had a fair amount of PTSD. So, I really thought the only two things that I know how to do are maybe--I don’t even know if I know how to go back to college or study, or anything like that, but I know how to shoot and I know how to clean guns. 

And so, it turned out there was a firing range right near my house and I got a job there. And I think, to be honest--and they told me this later--they hired me as a joke because they thought, "This little girl, there’s no way she’s going to last," and they had me cleaning 42 firearms in two hours at the close of every shift.  And yeah, so, that was my job at first; I was not allowed to instruct anybody or anything like that. So, my job was to clean the range, and my job was to clean the firearms, and sell ammo and reloads to customers. So, I did that job from, I think, summer of 2008 to summer of 2009 while I was going to junior college as well, just to see, you know, dip a toe back in education. Do I know how to be a real person after everything that I saw over in Iraq?  

I know the statistics that if you own a firearm in your home, you are more likely to injure someone you know or you love. But I cannot get over the fact that, if I have a firearm in my home, I feel safer. I just feel safer when I go to the movie theater and I know my husband is carrying with me, I feel safer. When I go on an airplane and my husband is carrying, I feel safer. I don’t know what that is, because I grew up in a home without firearms--well, I guess I do know what it is: I grew up in a home without firearms and I did not ever feel safe, and there were a number of things that happened to me that made me feel unsafe. And I don’t know that having a firearm in the home would have solved that as a child; if anything, it could have exacerbated it. But now, as an adult, when my husband is going on a work trip or when I’m alone in the house where it’s just me and my daughter and I know I’m the first line of defense if anything happens, I feel safer. 

So, alone at a motel, someone approached my vehicle and tried to rob me, and I had a firearm right there. In retrospect, it was so irresponsible for me to travel without it in a case, but I knew that it wasn’t loaded, and I knew the ammunition was separate from it. So, I was able to use that firearm to then get them to back down even though I knew it wasn’t loaded. And so, that symbolism was very powerful for me. And at the time, I was 23, 24 years old when that happened. So, that has stuck with me that even the image of an unloaded gun is a symbol of protection.

The best thing about owning a firearm for me--and this might be a little bit hypocritical given how I know that the statistics--I know the statistics that if you own a firearm in your home, you are more likely to injure someone you know or you love. But I cannot get over the fact that, if I have a firearm in my home, I feel safer. I just feel safer when I go to the movie theater and I know my husband is carrying with me, I feel safer; when I go on an airplane and my husband is carrying, I feel safer. I don’t know what that is, because I grew up in a home without firearms--well, I guess I do know what it is: I grew up in a home without firearms and I did not ever feel safe, and there were a number of things that happened to me that made me feel unsafe. And I don’t know that having a firearm in the home would have solved that as a child; if anything, it could have exacerbated it. But now, as an adult, when my husband is going on a work trip or when I’m alone in the house where it’s just me and my daughter and I know I’m the first line of defense if anything happens, I feel safer.

So, getting that steady position; having a clear sight picture; having your breath control; and trigger squeeze. And I find that the place where there is the most capacity for injury is if that steady position is not established; and that is even just down to the way your hand is holding the firearm. So, this has happened to me before, there’s something called slide bite, and if you are holding a semi-automatic pistol, and your hand is around the grip, and you’re too high on the grip, the slide, when it goes back, it will bite your hand on the way back—and it literally feels like a bite on your hand that that can cause a tremendous amount of pain.

My gun culture is one of safety first and it’s almost meditative to be able to go out and shoot because it requires so much of your concentration; for me, it has everything to do with being able to defend my family in an emergency. I mean we have guns stashed all over the place in my house and at very high levels, so that my six-year-old child cannot get them. 
 
I’m very aspirational in what I want gun culture to mean. And I get very excited when I meet other gun owners who feel the same way that I do, who are not--I get very excited when I meet other firearm owners who aren’t about showing off, that it’s about a quiet strength and a reassurance that owning guns gives you, and who identify with wanting to feel safe in their home, and knowing they can protect their family, and that’s what it’s about. It’s about... it’s about safety, it’s not about aggression. 

Oh, gosh. I think I might be in the minority on this just because of my impression of gun culture. But because I believe that guns, and gun safety, and gun violence are a public health issue, if my primary care doctor started asking me about my decisions about how to keep and store my firearms, I would think that would be a welcome addition to my care; and for someone who takes that very seriously and who appreciates the statistics, and who thinks this is a public health issue--because it is--I would welcome that. And I would hope that others would be welcoming of it or, at least, they would treat it as something that they could decline if they don’t want to discuss, just like any other health issue, that they would have the right to decline. Because I think that’s the main thing is just having the choice to say, "Yes, I want to have the discussion," or "No, I don’t want to have the discussion." Kind of like when you go to the pharmacy, "Yes, please give me advice on this medication," "No, I declined advice on this medication." I think as long as choice is a part of it, then there would, I would hope, be less pushback on that.  

I think even for someone who believes the way I do and as comfortable as I am advocating for gun safety, as comfortable as I am not having the popular opinion about gun culture, I would still feel nervous talking to my doctor about gun safety; even though it’s a conversation I would welcome, I would still feel that, perhaps, there was an opportunity for judgment there. And I would be very nervous if they were actually able--if they thought that I made decisions that were unsafe and that they were then able to act on that with local authorities or infringed upon my freedoms in any way based on the information that I gave them.

If you specifically ask if there is anything that can be done to prevent veterans from getting firearm injuries, or perpetrating firearm injuries--or however it is, veterans being involved in firearm injuries--I think a lot of the answers are similar to, how do you prevent civilian firearm injuries? I think there is a direct parallel between understanding the four fundamentals of marksmanship, understanding that most injuries happen because of an unsteady position or because of lack of discipline with your trigger squeeze, or because of any number of factors, that goes the same. That goes the same for both veterans and civilians, and I think the only antidote to that is more training--more training and more awareness.  

I know people personally who have lost a parent, or a sibling, or a friend to gun violence, or someone like me who has had to be present for a stranger taking their own life using gun violence. And I think the best thing someone can do is just be opening to listen, and knowing that you don’t have to respond, and "I’m sorry," and, "That sucks." Those are full sentences. You don’t have to offer--not every situation is one that needs advice or needs retraining; and I think a lot of injuries happen because people weren’t listening in the first place, and I think a lot of people get reinjured mentally when people continue to not listen, or not understand, or bring judgment instead of an empathy.

So, if I put aside my belief that a person should never have to interact with gun violence, or guns, or gun culture if they never want to. Putting that aside for a second, I am curious about the level of training that clinicians receive in understanding gun culture, understanding that kind of terminology, understanding how these things happen. I don’t know to what degree they receive that kind of training because I know I can tell you right away when I’m listening to a script on television and the person who wrote that script doesn’t know a thing about firearms, and I would know if a healthcare provider who was talking to me didn’t know anything about firearms, and if I had suffered an injury, or if my spouse, or my child, or if someone had suffered an injury as a result of firearms, and I felt in that moment of trauma that I had to train the clinician on what happened, that would be immensely frustrating. Just immensely frustrating. 

So, I would like to think that even though I wish that they never had to deal with firearm injuries, they do have to deal with firearm injuries. So, if there was any type of training that they could take to, at least, be aware of the terminology and what the person and their family who are dealing with that injury, if there could be some commonality--they would have to learn it for other types of injuries, I imagine, there would have to be some cross-training in things that they don’t understand, and I think this would just be another thing in their arsenal. And so, I would like to think that clinicians would be smarter than to ask, "Well, why didn’t you just do XYZ?", when XYZ was not possible. And so, having some training about that would really help, I think.

So, getting that steady position; having a clear sight picture; having your breath control; and trigger squeeze. And I find that the place where there is the most capacity for injury is if that steady position is not established; and that is even just down to the way your hand is holding the firearm. So, this has happened to me before, there’s something called slide bite, and if you are holding a semi-automatic pistol, and your hand is around the grip, and you’re too high on the grip, the slide, when it goes back, it will bite your hand on the way back—and it literally feels like a bite on your hand that that can cause a tremendous amount of pain.