Messages for family and friends
Veterans described the various ways one might offer support to a friend or family member who has experienced a firearm injury. They suggested that family and friends listen without passing judgement, that they try to start from a place of understanding, and that they should check in on an ongoing basis.
Listen and communicate
Mike notes that family and friends may be going through their own trauma after a firearm injury.
Mike notes that family and friends may be going through their own trauma after a firearm injury.
I think that's harder because they're also going through their own type of trauma related to it. So that is a more difficult one. I think, really, the best that a family member can do is to be there and to listen. And to say, I think whether it be your provider or family, whoever, somebody that's strong enough to say, "You know what? I don't have the answers, but let's go find them. I don't know; I'm sorry for what you went through. I don't have all the answers, and I might not have any of 'em. Let's go find 'em. But if you want to just talk about it, let's talk.”
Kodak recommends that loved ones “listen, talk to them, be more aware.”
Kodak recommends that loved ones “listen, talk to them, be more aware.”
Listen, talk to them, be more aware. Open their mind to try to understand more that real things come with real feelings and plant real behaviors, or life-altering experiences and you just have to accept that person as they are. Because some folks don’t have the capacity to communicate things or can’t even position themselves to give advice to people not only because they support the perpetrator but that they themselves are just so broken, the advice they want to give or think they’re capable of giving, is hurtful.
For Justice, it was helpful when people asked about what happened because it helped him make sense of the experience.
For Justice, it was helpful when people asked about what happened because it helped him make sense of the experience.
I think some people may just jump to, “Well, hey. You shouldn’t have done that.” Well, if they have already injured themselves, they are already deeply aware of what they had done wrong and the load’s already on them, heavy enough. So, just try to be supportive and let them take their time. When they’re comfortable talking about it, just talk to them about it, and just hear what they have to say I think would be the biggest thing that helped with me especially. Just like people asking what had happened, me being able to put it into words instead of just in my head worrying about it, you know. That really helps me kind of rationalize I guess what had happened.
Anthony says, “You don’t have to speak, just be present.”
Anthony says, “You don’t have to speak, just be present.”
I mean, their psyche is going to take a huge, huge hit. I mean, the vulnerability you feel after and, you know, the, for lack of better terms, you know, the weakness feels in yourself, takes a hard hit. Especially, you know, if you're an A-type personality and something like that happens to you, it messes up your mojo. So, you gotta take that into account and, I don't know, active listening. You know, like when I, to this day when, you know, I went through that experience and somebody says, “Well I went through this, and I went through that.” That's not actively listening, that's, you know, trying to find similarities between apples and oranges, so. I don't know, I just, just listen. Be there. You don't have to speak, just be present. That was huge for me. Don't push. It's hard cause I've never been in a spot where I was the person, you know, trying to care for somebody that shot themselves, or had been shot, so. I can't really, I really can't embellish on that unless I, you know, walked a shoe in their mile, or a mile in their shoes, so.
Doug wishes that “everyone around me would have been open about what happened.”
Doug wishes that “everyone around me would have been open about what happened.”
Yeah, I don’t... it would have been better at the time, if everyone around me would have been open about what happened instead of... maybe trying to not hurt my feelings or talk about it. If I would have been able to scream and cry for a few weeks afterwards, I think that would have helped. And because I was so within and no one really wanted to get close emotionally on that issue--and I can understand that--maybe that prevented me from healing or grieving like I should have. Everyone around me was like, walking on eggshells, not wanting to upset me. Maybe they didn’t know how to talk about it to me, and I certainly didn’t know how to do it. And so, yeah, it was kind of danced around in a way. I mean, I’m sure my mom, even my dad at a few points, were like, "Are you okay?" And obviously, I’d be like, "Yep, I’m fine." Not fine, but it’s just... things were just different back then.
Interviewer: What would you say--I know this is different from your experience--but do you have any insight on advice for family and friends on how they could support someone who’s maybe had an injury that survived?
Respondent: Yeah, check on them constantly, all the time--and you don’t have to go deep with it, you can just be like, "I’m thinking about you, I’m worried about you, I hope you’re okay," just to let that person know that everyone around them is aware of what’s going on and is there for them. A lot of people can’t necessarily talk about trauma and stuff for a long time, but it’s good to know that everyone around you is aware of it and thinking about you.
Offer continued support
Nick notes that the most helpful thing friends and family can offer is support because “a lot of Veterans are willing to put themselves on the line for everybody but themselves.”
Nick notes that the most helpful thing friends and family can offer is support because “a lot of Veterans are willing to put themselves on the line for everybody but themselves.”
Yeah, just – really just – honestly, just be there for them. I mean, you know like, just be there. I think, you know, Veterans, in particular, just want support. That’s it. They just want people to support them and not like, you know, scold them or like, you know, why – they just want you to support them, you know? So, I think, you know, supporting them with – maybe you can ask them later what’s going on, but just be there for them, you know, because a lot of Veterans are willing to like put themselves on the line and be there for everybody else but themselves, you know?
Darrell recalls, “everybody is there at one minute and then a week later, everybody’s gone.”
Darrell recalls, “everybody is there at one minute and then a week later, everybody’s gone.”
Talk to someone, whether it’s a professional or anybody like that, to get counseling if you need. You know what I’m saying? You know, sort of like, when something happens everybody is there at one minute and then a week later, everybody’s gone. You’re still dealing with it. Everybody was there at the beginning, but then they just left. And so, now you’re still having to deal with that on your own. And so, you know, maybe somebody to check up on them, you know, a week down the road just to make sure that they’re still doing okay. You know what I mean? That would be a suggestion I would have.
Robert says supporting an injured Veteran “depends on the personality of the person that got injured
Robert says supporting an injured Veteran “depends on the personality of the person that got injured
It depends on the personality of the person that got injured, you know? You might want to, some people you would say, “Well, why don’t you be an advocate for gun safety,” and they really don’t like that idea and they get angry at you. Where others would react just the opposite and say, “Yeah, that’s not a bad idea. Maybe I’ll look into that.” That sort of thing. You know, you just show support. If it’s a family member and you love them, you know, you show support on being sympathy, but you don’t, you know, you don’t dwell on it. I mean if you have a person that’s really mentally struggling, then maybe you take it a step further and advise them to go get professional help.
Try to understand
Eric notes that family and friends may not know the full story, so “don’t be judgmental. Be understanding.”
Eric notes that family and friends may not know the full story, so “don’t be judgmental. Be understanding.”
Well, I mean, don’t be judgmental. You don’t know the full story. Be understanding, you know, a lot of people deal with a lot of different things. Just, the main thing is, just be understanding, you know, that things happen, accidents happen. Or sometimes you’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. The worst thing to do is to make fun of someone when they got shot, or, you know, belittle them, and things like that, because they’re already feeling pretty down and out about being shot and if you put it too deep on them, they lose it that much more.
Jessica suggests family and friends offer empathy and says, “not every situation is one that needs advice.”
Jessica suggests family and friends offer empathy and says, “not every situation is one that needs advice.”
I know people personally who have lost a parent, or a sibling, or a friend to gun violence, or someone like me who has had to be present for a stranger taking their own life using gun violence. And I think the best thing someone can do is just be opening to listen, and knowing that you don’t have to respond, and "I’m sorry," and, "That sucks." Those are full sentences. You don’t have to offer--not every situation is one that needs advice or needs retraining; and I think a lot of injuries happen because people weren’t listening in the first place, and I think a lot of people get reinjured mentally when people continue to not listen, or not understand, or bring judgment instead of an empathy.
Jack says it is important to “let them know you trust them.”
Jack says it is important to “let them know you trust them.”
Nothing really than just a general thing is to – my wife knew that I was embarrassed. I didn’t say anything, she just knows me. And she was very sympathetic toward that. She never – “Oh you should have been more careful. You could have been killed.” You could think of some unkind things that could be said by somebody in that instance. Even though they love you, you get mad at somebody sometimes, you love them, but still, they done a boneheaded thing. You’re not careful you’ll – not say the most kind things. You’ll say some things that you think, “well, if I tell them this, they’ll be more careful next time. I’m really going to get on em,” or whatever.
But just be very supportive of them and show sympathy for what happened. And let them know you trust them. That you think that – of all things to worry about in the world, they probably don’t have to worry about that. Because it probably won’t ever happen again after this.
Erin says to “just love them through it.”
Erin says to “just love them through it.”
Just love them through it and recognize that whatever happens, it's a traumatic event. And sometimes you have to give them the tough love. It's not always cuddles and that sort of thing. But to love them through it, and for them especially to get help, in coping with that event. As I said before, caregiver fatigue is real. Everybody around, impacted by the situation, needs to get as much help as they need.