Steven

Thinking about that history and then coming back to today and thinking about why I own a firearm is a completely different prospect. I think that’s why I’m here today. I took... I remember getting out of the military and not, I mean, I didn’t even have a single after thought about guns in my life. I mean, after the military I didn’t really have them in my life at all until my best friend was stabbed to death. Well, he was stabbed. I think this was about, I can’t remember. It’s at least five years now. He’s my best friend and was stabbed in front of his home in his foyer. It was all over the news. The place where he was stabbed was literally the spot I was standing just 24 hours prior. It’s a popular neighborhood that a lot of other queer folks go to. The situation was random. I thought to myself, “Wow, what would I have done?” You know? I was like, “I’m more terrified of knives than I am of guns.” I was like, “I’m just going to get a gun.” You know? Then I said to myself, “Well I haven’t used a gun in so long I should probably get some safety training.” I was really glad that I did that. I got trained up online. 

I got a Concealed Carry. That sounds really simple but being black and queer in America is a whole loaded topic. That’s something I thought about, because when I first carried, for the first couple months I was carrying, not so legally. Mostly, because I was just terrified. You know? This happened to my friend. There was a lot of racial reckoning happening at the time, a lot of you know racist activity. I just wanted something to make myself feel more comfortable living downtown and living the life that I lived. I got a gun. 

More recently, I’ll say being in a more serious relationship and going through a very rough mental health journey of my own while managing weapons was very difficult. I’ve done a lot of mental health work in my professional life and made some strong decisions for myself in regard to what I want out of my life and my mental health journey. Part of that journey, you know, got me into therapy. The therapy was very difficult. So difficult that I found myself not feeling capable of being responsible with my weapons. 

Subsequently we separated. Not just over the guns, but in this particular situation I volunteered my weapons, found myself in a mental health facility, and then found myself in a situation where the people I trusted were not communicating with me about how to safely transport my weapons or where they were going. Just more specifically, I felt as though my agency were taken away. My agency to not just manage my weapons. You know, I’m in a state where I can’t manage them. 

One of the groups I’m affiliated with talks about how to deal with veterans who own weapons who might be having a challenge. One of the things that came up was like always including them in the dialogue. There’s always the possibility that you have to make a decision for someone if they’re not able to make a wise decision. I’d like to say in my case I was able to. I was medicated and having a challenge but complying with my own safety practices and my own systems that I had in place. 

Also, feeling as though in the midst of all the dangerous things in the world, that I had people in my life that don’t know how to safely interact with my relationship with weapons, how to interact with me in negotiating those weapons, and how to interact with me having a mental health challenge. That’s essentially been the past couple months of my life with this particular topic. It feels really good to talk about it today because I’m in a new place. I don’t have my weapons on me. I haven’t had physical access to them since that event happened, which has been a couple months now. I do have access. I can just go get them if I want, but I made the choice to not have them for some time because it did essentially feel like an injury. With everything I was going through mentally, I can’t imagine having to manage guns right now. Even thinking about it now breaks my brain. 

My entire family, including my extended family; most of us owned guns. Our family was all about protection. Out of all of us, maybe, I think I have an uncle that hunted. The gun we had in our home growing up was in case someone decided to cause a problem, cause harm. It’s interesting to think about that because I lock my doors here where I live now, but back home we never locked our doors. Mostly because we all know each other on this street. We’d all know that even our neighbors’ own guns. It’s kind of a cultural thing. It just felt really normal to have it for that, in our homes for protection. 

Honestly, growing up around guns and then transitioning into the military made it easier for me to make the decision. You know? I never wanted one, but when I made the decision to get a gun it was easy for me. It was like, “Oh we had that when I was growing up.” You know? I’d forgotten gun safety, and I’m glad I got a refresher. I will say for myself, from what I’ve experienced for myself and other folks in my life, I’ve noticed that folks that have been exposed to them when they were much younger are folks that feel more comfortable purchasing, or at least feel comfortable saying, “I may not want a gun but I know how to operate one.” I know how to. If I were to pick up one, I know what to do and handle it. Not just handle it, but handle it safely, which I think is really important.

What I didn’t realize was, you know, the weight of the responsibility of it. You know? Safety is one thing, but now that you’ve got this weapon. Where do--when do I carry it? When do I stow it? You know? What kind of gun should I buy? Where do I store it? You know? What I also wasn’t prepared for was the fact that I would probably want another gun. So, after I got my first gun, that one wasn’t quite the one I needed. It was a loaner. I was like, I don’t want someone else’s pistol. I don’t know who this belongs to. Then I went through all the legal routes, bought one, and it didn’t fit right. Then I bought another one. Oh, well what if I’m in my car and something happens? I’ve got PTSD, so I got a weapon that fits if I need to carry it in my car. Then I’ve got one for my home. I’ve got a shotgun for my home just thinking about all the scenarios. I go in that. I talk about this in that manner because of what happened to my friend and what’s happening in America. You know? I can say safely now my moral injury of PTSD and just the way things manifest in my brain, I was thinking of ways to protect myself and thinking of scenarios that could happen to me, and I would literally obsess about it. 

I’m a peer support specialist, so luckily, I come with a set of tools to help other Veterans that I can actually use to help myself. One of the things I implement is what we call a wellness, a WRAP, which is a wellness recovery action plan. Basically, it says, “Hey if I’m in crisis this is what... If I’m in crisis, this might happen. If this happens, I need some time alone.” You know? Whatever that document looks like. If you have people that you live with on a regular, like your family or your close – even if it’s not your spouse, there’s this document. “Hey friends, I have mental health... I’ve been having some mental health challenges, and this is the document that helps keep me feeling safer and braver.” Having that conversation with your family and your friends ahead of time, for your mental health alone, is really important. 

Two, what’s actually the plan with the weapons? When this happens, do you feel safe having a weapon around? Personally, I would ask that person that. I would hope the person says no, they don’t feel safe having a gun. Because I personally don’t. If we’re engaging in that together, now we’ve got a plan. 

“Oh, we’re in crisis just like when I had mine. Hey, where are your guns?” 

“I locked them up. Here's my key.” 

“Okay cool. I’m going to hang onto this just for like seven days. We’ll check in in a week too.” 

You know? Just having that dialogue and that exchange is really important. So, if another person is engaging in that, you might want those extra safety locks. So, if you decide to be the person that’s going to be safety for them, is there a way for you to ensure safety and make sure that you’re the sole control of that safety while they’re in crisis? Have that plan in place. But not to the point where this Veteran is no longer in control. You know? You have to remain in dialogue with them, because if you don’t, you’re basically saying you have no respect for them and that they are not capable of making decisions for themselves. In some cases that might be true, depending on what states they’re in. If a person is having mental health challenges of some kind, they know what their challenges are, they’re taking their medication, they’re going through their practices, and they’re engaging in the process. It’d be great if you engaged in that process with them.