Impact on Family
All of the Veterans we talked to spoke of the impact of their injury on their relationships. This summary describes the impact on family relationships, including intimate partners, parents and children. Other summaries touch on how the injury impacted friendships and other types of social interactions. (See Navigating Social Relationships)
Seeing the impact of their injury on family members
Many of the Veterans we talked to said the hardest part of their injury was the impact it had on their families. Some said that as difficult as it was for them to accept and deal with symptoms such as memory loss and pain, it was even more frustrating to see how their struggles affected their family. The Veterans who were parents also talked about the impact of their injury on their children. One father spoke about having trouble reconnecting with his children after being separated from his family for a period of time to work on his health, saying that he is “not ever going to be the best dad, I know, but [is trying] to make up for that lost time.”
For Marcus, the hardest thing about his injury is the pain that it has caused his family.
For Marcus, the hardest thing about his injury is the pain that it has caused his family.
I imagine a lot would be different. You know I could have purchased that home that I was trying to purchase. I certainly wouldn’t have had to go through some of the mental struggles that I had to go through. My children and my wife wouldn’t have had to see me go through that because not only was it pain inflicted upon me, it was pain they had to, they had to share all that pain too. They had to see me when I was down and out. So, if I could change a lot of stuff I think that would probably be the most important thing, just that they wouldn’t have to experience that pain and see me kind of like lose it and struggle to build myself back together again. I think because, like I said, they went through that struggle with me.
David’s entire life revolves around his injuries, and he is frustrated by the “strain” on his wife and kids.
David’s entire life revolves around his injuries, and he is frustrated by the “strain” on his wife and kids.
…Not with my parents or friends but, with my immediate family, my wife and my kids, yeah. You know, over time, even though they know I have a TBI, you know sometimes it gets frustrating, because I may ask the same thing four or five times, whether it’s in one day or week. And they remember, and I don’t. So, and it could be something as simple as, you know, my daughter wanted to show me something, or my son asking me to get some information for him, or something like that. Or me asking my wife, you know, seven times what were we doing on a particular day. So, it kind of causes a strain because they all, you know, they were also, all three of them, were also my care providers for my other injuries. Which is not normal, like let’s say for, somebody who walked out of the battlefield or got left on their own, and, you know, maybe they just had a, they had a, a TBI, but you know they were, they might be able to live with it and deal with it after they came off the battlefield. For us it was a little different because my physical injuries also affect me now and how I do things now. So because I don’t sweat on 40% of my body, I also have to deal with adapting to that. And I can’t do things that most normal people do. So my entire life revolves around all my injuries. Whether it’s the TBI or the PTSD or my burns, you know or my hearing loss, you know, everything I do is kind of directly affected or has to be altered based on those injuries everyday. So, you know, obviously it causes mental strain in everybody else that doesn’t have it. And it frustrates me. So.
The hardest thing for Sarah has been the impact on her kids.
The hardest thing for Sarah has been the impact on her kids.
My kid’s reactions to it, honestly. My two younger ones are young enough, I think they don’t really comprehend a lot of it, and they weren’t really around for the worst of it. My oldest, my ten-year-old is extremely emotionally sensitive and perceptive to begin with, and I think it had a large effect on her personality. She’s the one, she’ll see that look on my face and like give me a hug, “Mom, it’s OK.” And it’s heartbreaking to have your ten-year-old consoling you and trying to - like, and she shouldn’t, she should just be able to just be a kid. And it’s hard. I feel like, with her and my middle daughter, my son I was aware of it and made more of an effort because I missed a lot of things. With them there’s, I took a ton of pictures with my oldest daughter because I knew that I was having memory issues. I mean there’s pictures my kids will look at and I couldn’t tell you when or where they were taken. Like I know the general, like “Oh, I think that was there,” but like if I don’t label it. Which is hard. Like I feel like I missed a good chunk of my life.
Forgetting to do things
Memory problems, in particular, were a common source of tension within families. Many Veterans felt like a burden on their family or that they were constantly blamed for things not getting done or being forgotten. For example, one of the people we talked to said that forgetting to do chores and other things around the house would spark arguments with his wife. Another said that his wife had a “tendency to blame me for everything that had anything to do with memory or lack of organization” around their home. And many described specific instances when their memory issues negatively impacted their household, including forgetting to pick their kids up from school, forgetting to eat or to make dinner for the kids, or even forgetting family member’s birthdays.
Erik talks about forgetting things, like picking his daughter up from practice and people’s birthdays and anniversaries.
Erik talks about forgetting things, like picking his daughter up from practice and people’s birthdays and anniversaries.
I, I forget sometimes, like day-to-day schedule, when my daughter gets home from school and what her extracurricular activities are. I mean I’ll forget, you know. The, the kid that’s waiting at the soccer field three hours after practice, you know, that’s, that’s my kid. But not because I’m getting drunk, I just simply forgot. You know? So. And the nice thing is that she’s a good kid, she realizes that, she understands that her dad is a little different than everyone else’s. So, it’s tough. It’s tough. I’m, I, with the TBI I tend to not remember important things. You know, people’s birthdays and anniversaries and – you know, like my niece, I was there when she was born, but I couldn’t tell you what her birthday is. You know? And luckily my brother, he is just the coolest guy in the world as far as I know. He doesn’t care if I remember. I’m his brother, that’s the end of that, you know? Nothing will ever change that. So, but other people take it a little more seriously.
Tom’s ex-partner would get frustrated when he would forget things she had told only ten minutes before.
Tom’s ex-partner would get frustrated when he would forget things she had told only ten minutes before.
Family members as caregivers
Several participants talked about the need for their family members to assume more of a caregiver role, explaining that their families worried about them or altered their lives to care for them. One Veteran talked about how his wife has become his care provider and that “me asking my wife, you know, seven times what were we doing on a particular day” has put strain on their relationship. Another described feeling like a burden on her family and told us that for a long time she “begged God to take” her.
Brian’s girlfriend started to feel more like a caregiver and left - now he is afraid of leaning too hard on somebody.
Brian’s girlfriend started to feel more like a caregiver and left - now he is afraid of leaning too hard on somebody.
So she was like, “I feel more like a caregiver. I can’t be worrying about you all the time. I can’t have my physical safety at risk,” that sort of thing. It was like in February she said, “One of these days I’m just going to reach my threshold,” and two and a half months later she did. So it’s not like it came out of left field…… [Now] I’m afraid of repeating the past, of leaning too much too hard on somebody, and at the same time right now I’m scared because I don’t have that fallback mechanism I guess you could say or somebody who is right there. I mean, I’m literally alone in my apartment, so I guess you could say I don’t have a safety net anymore I guess you could say.
Theo’s mother has had to take on the role of his caregiver, which has created “a huge rift” in their relationship.
Theo’s mother has had to take on the role of his caregiver, which has created “a huge rift” in their relationship.
And the way that I was raised, the way that we were in the service is that you don’t complain about things, you don’t exaggerate things, you don’t look for attention. You help those that are worse, and you fix what you can and drive on. Well, that mentality is what cost me my marriage. Me trying to laugh my own things off and be there for my friends and family, I’d become so dis-attached from my own emotions that you actually stop feeling them or at least you fool yourself into it. To the point that when emotions do come up and come back they’re so overwhelming that you shut that down and you don’t know how to handle. My caregiver, my mother, last night her and I got into it and said quite a few things to each other that we felt at the moment. I love that woman dearly and wouldn’t do anything ever to hurt her but at the same time, there were things that I said that I can’t take back. And she’s done a lot for me but at the same time she doesn’t have the ability to go in and express things to people and be persistent at getting the help that we need. She tried to take so much on herself to help me and fix things that she’s breaking her own back in the process of taking that load. And it’s created a huge rift in our relationship. And her being a single parent and me being the only child, we were very close. There’s been a lot of distance there this last six eight months, has been even more than the last few years.
After her brain injury, Mary was insecure and shaky and says that her family made her feel like a burden.
After her brain injury, Mary was insecure and shaky and says that her family made her feel like a burden.
But this brain injury, I had all these people telling me how, what a burden I was. And I was so insecure about everything about myself and so shaky about anything I did. You know, I didn’t want to make a decision because I was afraid I was going to make the wrong one and then everybody would be mad at me. And, you know, always being caught and not knowing which way to go. But I think if I would’ve had some kind of support, you know I think it would’ve been amazing to be able to go to a class and say, you know, “What do I do? My whole family tells me I’m stupid.”
Not the same person as before
Many of those we talked to said that they spouse or intimate partners felt that they “weren’t the same” person after their injury, which placed a strain on their relationship, and in some cases led to separation or divorce. In describing the impact his injury had on his wife, one Veteran said that it “shook her up really badly, and she ended up with the brunt of dealing with the health insurance companies, and doctors, and stuff, demanding money and calling the insurance company, and it basically drove her over the edge. She fell apart.” The worst part was when she heard from the doctors that “I would not be the same again, and that I wouldn’t regain everything I had lost.”
Jessica says that the person her husband married wasn’t who she was after her injury and that they both “sort of gave up.”
Jessica says that the person her husband married wasn’t who she was after her injury and that they both “sort of gave up.”
It affected my marriage and all my relationships at that point.
I: Yeah can you say a little bit more about that, but in what way it affected those relationships?
I got married right after, I guess within a couple weeks after my head injury. We were, this sounds terrible, I’m not even 100% sure why we were getting married when we did. We were scheduled to get married that October and we just went ahead and got married in February probably because of the Army. So that’s my definitive - we were getting married because of the Army, because of Army training. I don’t feel like the person that I was before my injury is the person that he married. So, in a lot of ways I will take blame for the failed marriage cause the person that he married was definitely not the person that he had dated for the two years prior. I was a very, very hostile person to be around afterward.
He was still in the Army and I wasn’t so I was very bitter about that. He was very supportive of everything that happened, but they mis-medicated me immediately after I got out. They put me on a whole lot of different psychotropic medications. I think I was up to taking like twelve different pills a day. And I was up to the point that the more they would give me the more I would take. So, he didn’t know whether he was going to come home to Betty Crocker or whether he was going to come home and I was going to have slit my wrists, so he didn’t know what he was coming home to anymore. I know there were days that he was afraid to open the door because he didn’t know what was going to be behind it and I do feel very bad for that. I know that that was a really big strain on him, so, I will take blame for that but I think at some point he also had his own demons that he stopped coping with because he was focused on coping with mine. So, at some point we both sort of gave up.
Although his wife really tried, Roger said that after his injury it was like being married to a seven-year old.
Although his wife really tried, Roger said that after his injury it was like being married to a seven-year old.
….And, she tried hard, I’m sure she did. But I was, I mean I was, I was dinky. I was, you know I was, it’s like being married to somebody that is mentally retarded. And also spastic. And also uncoordinated. Also really, really, really weird. And, and so she just couldn’t take it. And I’m getting divorced. But at first, at the hospital, I couldn’t walk or anything. Couldn’t walk or run right. But I got a wheelchair and I couldn’t talk very much. But we lived in an apartment, because being in the Army and being retired from the Army, we always had money. And, but again, she - I mean we didn’t have a life. I mean, it wasn’t hear fault. It wasn’t my fault. It was the fault of, whatever. And, and also we, she just, I mean here she's eighteen, a mother, and she's living with, with a seven-year-old. I mean married to a seven-year-old.
Finding support and understanding from family
However, many of the Veterans we talked to felt very lucky that they had a support system they could rely on. Others talked about going to counseling with their spouse to help them understand their symptoms or findings ways to talk to their children about their injuries.
Counseling has helped Jason’s fiancée understand his symptoms and why he does the things he does.
Counseling has helped Jason’s fiancée understand his symptoms and why he does the things he does.
…..there’s some people that understand, that kind of, kind of get that hey, you know, it’s, you know, with along with my, you know, PTSD or you know other, other different things that there’s certain handicaps that I can’t do. There’s some things I can’t do and that I’m going to have a lot, a lot of problems with. My fiancee is not one of those understanding people, so it’s really caused a lot of strife. My physical inability, that’s kind of been a big, big thing in our relationship, but it’s, you know she, she kind of understands hey, you know, it’s not your fault. It’s nothing, it’s nothing I can do to help either so it’s one of those things, it has been, has been kind of like something to build upon. Something to really understand that this is a something that we’re going to have to deal with. Not, not something that’s easy, in any case, but we, you know, going on with, going on with that.
A lot of, a lot of the handicaps that I have, or as far as critical thinking or memory tasks or you know, “hey, can you do this for me this day,” unless I, I have, I actually just bought a calendar thank goodness, because if she says something, I, I won’t remember it a day, less than a day later. I just physically won’t. So that’s been kind of a big thing is like “Well you said you’d do this.” Well, you know, so I mean that, there’s that, there’s a lot of, a lot of the emotional stuff as far as getting stressed or getting frustrated easily or, you know sometimes just you know it, it’s one of, like sometimes I’ll have, there’ll be, I’ll just be sitting there and all of a sudden I’ll just get down in the dumps, just like almost instantaneously, and I won’t know why. So I don’t know if it’s, you know, if that’s part of the chemical imbalances or anything. I, I assume that it could possibly be, but there, there will be some things that I don’t even know why, you know, what’s going on. And, that’s been, that’s been kind of an issue. It’s been one of those things, it’s something that we, that has caused a lot of strife but we’re, we’re actually going to a lot of counseling, or been going to counseling lately, to kind of work through some of the things and they kind of brought to light that “Hey, you know, you’re, you’re just a bit different but now I can understand why you do the things you do.”
Marcus is thankful every day for his wife who stuck with him and continues to be supportive.
Marcus is thankful every day for his wife who stuck with him and continues to be supportive.
I’m thankful every day for her because she’s an amazing woman because she stuck with me. We had moments we were apart because she couldn’t, I think it was just a bit too much for her and I think the main thing she was attempting to do, she had even greater responsibility to take care of the children. When I couldn’t take care of myself no more, couldn’t take care of her no more, and my issues with those behaviors, those not so good behaviors, she certainly had to make a decision, you know, maybe I just need to leave him alone for a while. She didn’t know what to do. There were times when we were separated, and it was no more than about three months or so, it certainly wasn’t years. And even during those brief times of separation we stayed in contact with each other. So she was always hoping and wishing for the best and she was always supportive and she continues to be supportive to this day.
Alex talks about being open with his children about his TBI and PTSD.
Alex talks about being open with his children about his TBI and PTSD.
I try to teach, well obviously my two-year-old not happening, but my six-year-old gets it. We have a book that was written by a drill instructor that’s called, “Why Is Daddy So Mad?” And it’s directed to children about Daddy’s PTSD and Daddy’s TBI and things like that. And we try to be as transparent as we can, because I don’t think it’s okay to just cover it up. Because kids get it, they get it at a really young age and you need to be prepared for it.
(See also: People Who Provided Support; Navigating Social Relationships; Seeking Professional Help for Emotional & Mental Health)