Navigating Social Relationships
Many of the Veterans we talked to described the impact of their injury on their relationships. In this summary we describe what people said about their experiences navigating social relationships, including meeting people in new or different social situations, dating and romantic relationships, and maintaining relationships with those who knew them before their injury. Other summaries touch on how the injury impacted family relationships, including intimate partners, parents and children. (See also: Impact on Family)
Dating and romantic relationships
For some, dating and forming romantic relationships was challenging. Some described themselves as “undateable” because they were “damaged” or because they had too many physical complaints and didn’t want to be “looked at as a whiner.” One Veteran said he felt detached and “non-committal” while another Veteran spoke of physical symptoms that had an impact on intimacy in romantic relationships. Joseph has given up on dating for now so that he can focus on going back to school to get his next degree. However, despite the challenges, many of the Veterans we talked to were able to establish supportive relationships. Miguel said that, while his injury contributed to negativity in his past relationships, he feels lucky to now have someone who “truly understands what I am going through.”
Joseph feels like he is “damaged goods” and has had a hard time dating.
Joseph feels like he is “damaged goods” and has had a hard time dating.
I hate to, I hate to say, but basically dating. I am damaged goods, and not in the way that people want. If I was an asshole about all these things, it would be really easy for people. I could be pretty fun. And I got a quick out because of these problems. The fact that I’m a decent human being, you know, it’s. Yeah, I’m, I have given up on dating till I’ve got my next degree. That should increase – I know people aren’t logical, it isn’t how it’s going to work. But, you know, focus on getting my degree and then if there’s a, any girl, you know? Both sides of the brain working. Logic. I’ll have the degree, I’ll have the – at the same time, I don’t want someone who just wants for that, but that accomplishments that should counteract some of the bad.
I: Yeah. What is the “bad” that you feel like makes it hard to date?
I’m late a lot. I’m, I’ve gotten, I’m feeling a lot better about showing up for things for friends and stuff, but it’s still. I’m going to be remembering things till the last minute, then get to my car and I’ve forgotten stuff and have to go back inside once or twice.
Miguel says that his injuries have contributed to negativity in his relationships.
Miguel says that his injuries have contributed to negativity in his relationships.
It has - and I hate to blame it on that because my actions are my responsibilities - but I know for a fact it has contributed to my negative, the negativity within my relationships. [I] haven’t had many, but it has. I - the few very girls I was with - I don’t really blame them for leaving me because they just didn’t know how to handle it at the time. Luckily now I have someone that truly understands what I’m going through. But yeah, I mean it just, it caused depression, you know, not having your support, your main support system around, and even me being the so called hard-ass. I’ve said I know it did, it really softens you up a lot.
Meeting new people and being social
Similar to dating, issues with memory and concentration can make it difficult to meet new people or to actually enjoy going out in social situations. Veterans talked about having difficulty remembering names or faces or forgetting meeting a new person all together. Miguel tries to avoid large crowds and “… anything where there’s a lot of noise.” Alex said that he can be having a conversation with someone and then “all of a sudden I’ll stop, and then they’ll be communicating back with me and I’m gone. I’m not ignoring them, but it would feel like to anybody else that I’m ignoring them…I thought the conversation was gone, done, and I thought I’d communicated everything and I thought it was over.”
Mary struggles to remember people’s name and voices.
Mary struggles to remember people’s name and voices.
Names, I can’t remember names of anything. If I meet somebody, it usually takes me about three months, maybe four months, to remember their name. People call me and they’ll be talking and talking and talking and I’m like, “Okay, you’ve got to tell me who this is – because I have no idea and you don’t even sound familiar,” you know and they’ll say, “You don’t recognize my voice?” “No.” I should, you know – but it’s – my siblings and my parents, I’ve always recognized theirs. But other people, it’s like,” I heard that before,” you know or it’s just that, getting lost up there in that brain.
Alex struggles with concentration and is easily distracted.
Alex struggles with concentration and is easily distracted.
Concentration’s a huge thing for me now. And that, that’s probably with the PTSD, too, but since we’re focused on the TBI. They said it’s linked. I get distracted really easy. I’ll be having a direct conversation with somebody right here, right now, and then all of a sudden, I’ll stop. And then they’ll be communicating back with me and I’m gone. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not ignoring them, but it would feel like to anybody else that I’m ignoring them. No, I’m just – I thought the conversation was gone, done, and I thought I’d communicated everything and I thought it was over.
I: And then where are you when you’re done?
R: Just kind of daydreaming. My dad has noticed it a lot. It really pissed him off at first, but then he, he’s done a lot of more work with it. It’s kind of funny, I actually have a clinical diagnosis of ‘Selective Hearing.’
Others talked about the impact that their injury has had on their friendships. Some have lost contact with friends they had before their injury and several people said they felt more comfortable spending time with Veterans or others who understand their injury. One Veteran spoke of not being compatible with his old friends anymore and that the changes in his personality have “actually caused friendships to erode to where we can’t be friends.” Erik said that “unless I’m around veterans who are similar to myself in injury, both mentally and physically, I tend to feel awkward because of how my brain works.” Margaret told us that she sometimes feels like a drag and that she worries that her friends are tired of her saying “you know, I just don’t feel like doing this”.
Erik feels best when he spends time on his own or with other Veterans.
Erik feels best when he spends time on his own or with other Veterans.
Just have me time. I’m a solitary person. And I think that’s because in, unless I’m around Veterans who are similar to myself in injury, both mentally and physically, I tend to feel awkward because of how my brain works. I can’t, there’s a few of my friends from before the military that I’m still friends with, but a lot of them have gone away just because they can’t interact with me anymore. It just doesn’t – our brains aren’t on the same wavelength anymore. To me it’s like, “Man, he’s.” To them, I’m the one that, I did, I changed significantly and they can’t quite understand how my brain works. So, we kind of moved apart from each other. But I try to hang out with my Veteran friends if I’m not being solitary. If I’m being solitary, then it’s working on cars or, you know, something of that nature. Something that I feel like my brain still has a grasp on. Something that I could do to make me feel normal.
Margaret talks about how her condition has impacted her relationships.
Margaret talks about how her condition has impacted her relationships.
And another thing, relationships, impacted. You know, friends get a little of tired of me saying “you know, I just don’t feel like doing this.” Or, I was over, I was at the Japanese Garden last year. I’m a member of there. And I was there with a friend, and there’s some stairs there that you have to walk up and down, to get to part of the garden. And I had to just do one step at a time, with my walking stick. And she couldn’t understand well why, what’s this all about. Well, you know, to have to explain it all the time and, relationships, you know cancelling on people.
Some of those we interviewed said that the unpredictability of how they will feel from day-to-day makes it difficult to maintain stable relationships. Jake says that that one minute “you can actually have a legitimate conversation and they treat you like a human being,” but “if you’re not doing so well they easily get frustrated or you know…they’re going to baby you.”
On his good days, Jake feels like people treat him like they used to, but on his bad days, people get frustrated and “baby” him.
On his good days, Jake feels like people treat him like they used to, but on his bad days, people get frustrated and “baby” him.
And having good days and bad days and even good times and bad times is extremely difficult and frustrating because friends, family, doctors, employer, I mean, anybody that you, anybody whose opinion you value is so important, such, so difficult, because one minute you know you can actually have a legitimate conversation and they treat you like a human being. They treat you like, if, I mean if you knew them before they treat you like they used to. Or if you didn’t then they you know like I said they treat you like normal. Or if you’re not doing so well they easily get frustrated or you know they, they’re going to baby you. Not baby you but they’re just like, they have to take extra time out of their day. And whether they show frustration or not it’s just like that’s one more thing about, you know that’s something about you that they have to make time for, make room for, you know, it’s just, it’s - I don’t know, it’s frustrating. And you don’t you don’t have any control. That’s the frustrating part is, it doesn’t matter how hard you try or how much you pride yourself on doing well for yourself or doing good things or caring about somebody or anything like that, like I said your family, you know and you value them more than anything, but if you can’t remember what they said to you earlier they think you weren’t listening, they think you don’t care, you know.
(See also: Impact on Family; People who Provided Support; Impact on Cognitive Function)