People Who Provided Support

Almost all of the Veterans we talked to stressed the importance of reaching out to others for support. Some had a strong network of family and/or friends who provided emotional support and helped them manage specific aspects of their daily life. Others said they felt isolated from family and friends or that those who knew them before couldn’t possibly understand what they were going through. Many described finding support from other Veterans who had similar experiences in the military or had sustained a head injury and understood first-hand the struggles they were facing.

The role of family and friends

Some of the Veterans we interviewed described how friends and family have stepped in to help manage aspects of their life, especially related to remembering tasks and appointments. One Veteran described the vital role his wife plays in his medical care - “She’s my memory. When I go to a medical appointment, I know I’m not going to remember any of it, so she does.” Greg spoke of the importance of having one person around you “that is close to you, that you can be close to, that you can talk to on a regular basis,” emphasizing that it is important because that person will be able to tell when you have forgotten something or will be able to notice changes in your behavior.

 

Jessica talks about the importance of having a strong support system and people who weren’t afraid to push her.

Jessica talks about the importance of having a strong support system and people who weren’t afraid to push her.

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Having a strong support system is definitely, I’m gonna say that’s definitely been helpful. Especially people who are accountable, people who aren’t afraid to hold back and tell me exactly what they’re thinking even if they know it’s going to piss me off, because it’s happened more time than not. I do feel like my ex-husband at times would baby me a little bit and I think once I started getting better it almost scared him and my family because I would go out and want to do things more. And I think a lot of people had that really frail person in their head. But having those people who weren’t afraid to tell me, to check me, and tell me like you’re not capable of doing this or you’re laying in the bed get your ass up like what are you doing. That was really important for me.

 

Greg’s number one pillar of support is his wife, who helps him remember things and cope with his TBI and PTSD.

Greg’s number one pillar of support is his wife, who helps him remember things and cope with his TBI and PTSD.

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Talk to my wife. That’s the number one biggest one. Cause honestly without her I don’t know where I’d be today, I really don’t. I mean, not just for the TBI, for the PTSD, and the whole nine yards. She’s my number one pillar of support. And as much as it just drives me crazy that she reminds me of everything all the time, even if I already remember it myself, it’s necessary, you know, I need it. I text her while I’m at work, like the conversation with Smith, I’ll get to where I’m going, if I remember the conversation I’ll text it to her. Smith, tomorrow at two o’clock, bring this and that. You know, received. And then I can reference my text messages later. I can, she can remind me later. I’m trying to get her to the point where she is starting to schedule for me because I’m trying to unsuccessfully run my own handy man business as well as being an AC technician.

 

Erik has good friends and family who help him.

Erik has good friends and family who help him.

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Luckily, I have good friends and neighbors and family that kind of all are aware of me in one way or another. They don’t know all my stories, but they’re aware of who I am and they help me. They’re good people.

I: How, how have they helped you?

Well, you know, like my friend Mark and his, his TBI issues. You know, he’s always trying to help me remember things; I’m always trying to help him remember things. We borrow each other’s brain, for what it’s worth. And so that kind of helps, just having your friends there. You know they, “I know what you’re going through. By the way, I remembered that you were supposed to do this thing. Did you do it?”

Others described instances when family and friends helped them with specific tasks, like writing out directions to help navigate a new city, figuring out the household bills, or helping to rebuild skills that were lost during the injury. One woman described calling her mother when she would get stuck or when something was going wrong – for example, when she couldn’t remember something or wasn’t sure how handle something with her kids - and was very grateful that her mother would listen and help her make a decision or figure out what to do next.

 

Mary’s brother-in-law helped by writing out very specific directions when she would go places.

Mary’s brother-in-law helped by writing out very specific directions when she would go places.

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I make people give me very specific directions or instructions to go places. And I had a phenomenal brother-in-law. That guy could write directions backwards and forwards in New York City - all of the boroughs, even going out of the city. And he would write me these maps. I – he’d just give me one day to get it together and then I’ll give it back to him the next. So, I’d tell him I’ve got to go - I had to go to Fishkill - which is upstate in New York a little bit. Over some presidential bridge, I don’t know. Anyway, but Joey just wrote it all out. The name of the road, what, where I had to turn, what exit I had to take, what the numbers were - all the way up to Fishkill and then all the way back. And it’s different roads and different exits and he – perfect. And I said, “I’m going to use you while we’re here.” You know, and it was just getting around Brooklyn sometimes. But I’d just called Joey and tell him and he’d say, “This, this, this,” you know, and drop it off to me. And it was wonderful, you know, the assistance I’ve had.

 

Roger recalls how his father helped him learn.

Roger recalls how his father helped him learn.

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No, no. Well, I take it back. My father, my father. But, and – okay, my father, my father went to tenth grade. In the Army he finished, he finished high school and two years of college. But, he went to tenth grade before he joined. And he was so smart. And, and we would discuss things. You know and I, like in my classes. I mean we would write and ask questions and he’d bring back with questions. And he really helped me learn.

However, not all participants had a readily available support system and some discussed feeling alone, unsupported, or felt that their friends and families couldn’t relate to what they were going through.

 

Sarah has struggled to find support from people in her immediate family.

Sarah has struggled to find support from people in her immediate family.

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My parents live here in town, and I have a younger sister whose husband is in the Air Force up at Dyess. My dad is very old school when it comes to, you used to be able to talk about those things, very disappointed that I got out before my contract was over. We didn’t speak for probably about two years after I got out, knew when my homecoming was, did not show up.  There was nobody there when I got back. I think that my dad’s starting to understand a little bit more now that I’ve been back in town for a while, cause up until now, I mean, we’ve always lived somewhere else. Like we visited, but there’s never been an extended period of time. But he, I don’t think will every verbally validate any of it out loud. It’s just not his personality. My mom, much more understanding but has to walk the fine line between me and my dad, so it’s a very strained relationship. And there’s six and a half years between me and my sister. She was a teenager when I was in Iraq, so her ability to really grasp or understand it is limited at best.

Finding comfort and support from other Veterans

Many participants talked about relying on other Veterans for support, noting that spending time with others who understand what they have been through creates a comfort they cannot find elsewhere. Some relied on relationships they had established while in the military. Others forged new relationships with Veterans through group therapy or other Veteran groups. One woman who attends a behavioral therapy group with other Veterans explained that “I applaud their efforts and they applaud mine. And we give each other that support we need…they’re not friends, but they are friends. They’re not somebody I talk to every week on the phone. But if they’ve got a problem, I’m one of those people they call before they call the VA.” Another Veteran said that although outside people - those who did not serve in the military - try to understand, they simply cannot. “My dad gets it, because my dad was in the military. And my mom got it and my mom understood because my mom was in the military. And I have grandparents and uncles that were in the military and stuff like that. And the only people that understand us is us; others that have been there.”

 

Theo describes the bond between combat Veterans who understand each other’s experiences.

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Theo describes the bond between combat Veterans who understand each other’s experiences.

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Even at the VA hospital I’ve been through programs there that, you look around and combat veterans can generally identify each other. A lot of Vietnam era vets and some modern vets, you can tell mannerisms, things that they’re willing the share, the way that they say things. We have a large amount of guys that I’ve been in the VA with from Vietnam era that I connect with very well, it just comes naturally. Where as you can see it in each other’s eyes, you know what it’s like to actually have been in high stress situations. And then we have those that are there sharing everything about their experience with us and we’re kind of looking over at them, and it’s kind of like fishing stories. Those that talk the most, those that say the most about it, have the biggest fish, generally aren’t the ones that have done a damn thing. So those that sit there and tell you that they went out and shot 20, and did this that and the other thing, and they were blown up, you’re looking at them going oh ok, that’s cool. And you learn not to feed into it by asking questions because then they become defensive, and they start to sense that you’re detecting their bullshit, and then they start getting angry. Sometimes it’s entertaining because I’ve been with a few guys that I’ve really gotten along well with at the VA and we’ve sat there and kind of chuckled a bit, and we’re like he doesn’t shut up, alright let’s play, let’s play into this a little bit. And you get them going and the next thing you know the kid leaves and you’re looking over at the other guys and we’re kind of laughing going - those are things you don’t share. Not with somebody you don’t truly know. And if it’s somebody who hasn’t been through the same experience with you it’s very hard to find that connection that you’re willing to share details with them.

 

Luke enjoys spending time with other Veterans who had similar experiences during deployment.

Luke enjoys spending time with other Veterans who had similar experiences during deployment.

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So he, he had similar experiences. He deployed and was in infantry and whatnot, just in a different area at a different time – so that’s really nice to have, you know. As time goes on I try not to, you know you want to keep those experiences close but you don’t want to keep going back to them, you don’t want to keep relying on them, so sometimes you get together with those folks, you know, your inclination is to talk about things that are familiar to both of you, but you know we also have other interests outside that - so it’s, it’s, it’s easier sometimes to try and focus on that stuff and not keep going back. But I do stuff like I, I have an annual golf tournament that I go - I golf one time a year - it’s at this tournament and I see a lot of the same people and similar experiences and stuff so.

Some of the Veterans we talked to worked at the VA or for a Veteran Service Organization. One described the Veteran Service Organization where she works as “a really great support system.” She spoke of her boss who “forced me to go and get treatment, and they watched for symptoms and checked on me every so many hours. I don’t know that any other place that I could have worked would be able to work with me as much. So, working with other Vets who know what to look for, know what you’re going through.” Others found comfort in not having to explain to co-workers what they had been through while deployed or told us that working to help other Veterans in need gave them a sense of purpose.

 

Sarah talks about the benefit of working in an office environment with other Veterans.

Sarah talks about the benefit of working in an office environment with other Veterans.

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I don’t know. I, being in this office environment has been great. Although for somebody who avoids counseling, it’s ironic that I’ve thrown myself into an office where everybody has a clinical background. Because they will regularly, our, our case manager was a little like “Hey, how are you doing? Like, you look a little stressed.” “Like, I don’t have time for counseling right now. I have to get this done. Maybe later!” So that’s been - but there again, that’s, it’s such a rare environment here. Like, I wish there were more work environments like this for Vets. Just to be able to work around, and for other Vets, doing something that they feel like is then…purpose. 

Connecting with other TBI patients

Carlos said that although it can be difficult to reach out to others, he has found that communicating with other people in his head injury program – especially those who have had similar experiences – is very helpful.

 

For Carlos, communicating with people who have gone through similar experiences is an important source of support.

For Carlos, communicating with people who have gone through similar experiences is an important source of support.

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Strangers. Yes, it’s hard when you don’t, you can’t express yourself or they don’t understand you. They just kind of don’t want to deal with you. But I guess a lot of strangers, going through same, similar situations, or they having experienced this stuff, going down that path, you know, struggling and then isolation and being down and out, you know, so they can relate. And, then it’s just to communicate it with somebody. And well like I said, that these people here, in this program where I’m at, I struggle with it, that lady instructor there but, you know I don’t look at the differences. The information that she’s putting out, I don’t have to agree with everything but, you know, I keep an open mind and I try to grasp what I think is best for me and not dwell on arguing or defending or disagreeing.

Another Veteran spoke of a friend in her internship program who also had a head injury. “She was a little bit farther along, she had had hers for about ten years, so she tried to help me with coping mechanisms.”

(See also: Strategies for Day-to-Day Life; Reintegrating into Society; Positive Changes, Moving Forward & Finding New Meaning; Advice for Others Veterans)