Reintegrating Into Society
All of the Veterans we interviewed talked about the challenge of reintegrating into society after being deployed. This was a difficult process by itself, and for most of the Veterans we talked to, coping with the aftermath of their injury made it even harder.
Feeling “damaged” and not functioning at the same level as before
Returning home was hard for many of the Veterans we interviewed. Some told us that they didn’t feel like the person they once were, and this made it hard for them to go back to work in civilian society, or to re-engage with family and friends. As William said, “It’s hard to come back - especially if you’re damaged.”
Max describes returning home as very difficult, he had headaches, couldn’t remember things, and felt alone and angry.
Max describes returning home as very difficult, he had headaches, couldn’t remember things, and felt alone and angry.
Wow that’s, that’s a very tough question. Because, a lot of people want the picket parades. They want, they want to be recognized. They want people to, I think, I think a lot of them really like that. You know, they want that, they won’t say it but they really do. I didn’t want that, you know. I was having headaches. I was having so many headaches. I felt alone. I felt, I felt like I was activated, left in theater by my unit that I was supposed to be at, I was very upset that my unit never tried to find me in Iraq. I had a lot of animosity. I don’t care what’s going to happen, you need to go back to your unit, and you need to go ahead. I could have gone home after Iraq. There was no reason. I could have just did it. Because I did, I spent my six months there, I was good. I could have found a - I’m sure I could have found a way of saying - you know what, I’m in Iraq, I don’t, you know, but no I went back and I was - my wife stated that I had emotional instability, but a lot of that had to do with the anger that I had for the unit. I just couldn’t remember things. It was difficult.
Tom had trouble getting work and keeping up when he first got out and it took years for him to return to some state of normalcy.
Tom had trouble getting work and keeping up when he first got out and it took years for him to return to some state of normalcy.
So it took seven months though, to get out, and I got out in August 2007. I had three days, I had three years and three days I was in the service and, it was like from there on I had difficulty getting or obtaining decent work. I was getting fired from very simple jobs, like working in a kitchen or at a fry station or even as a dishwasher or as a server. I couldn’t really keep up with anything. I couldn’t remember much. And, then they had me on just so many fucking pills. When I was in that hospital, they had me on 2,700 milligrams of Depakote, 300 milligrams of Seroquel, well no 350 milligrams of Seroquel, four milligrams of Risperdal and they had me on Clonipine twice a day and they were giving me something because my liver wasn’t processing everything and it was still high strung. I don’t take any pills any longer from VA. It’s been years, and I feel that’s been a big part of me getting back to some state of normalcy, but I’m not the same person that I was. Personality wise, I have very different beliefs and behaviors and traits of how I carry myself. And how I interact with people. It’s very different than when I was a teenager.
Although many Veterans are hesitant to talk about their injuries because “there’s a stigma that says if you’re open about it you’re a wuss,” others highlighted the importance of being open about what happened.
Sam is very upfront with his family about his injury and how it has changed him.
Sam is very upfront with his family about his injury and how it has changed him.
I come from such a huge loving, supportive family. So, when I came back – I’m very open about it, and a lot of veterans aren’t open about what’s happened to them because there’s a stigma that says if you’re open about it you’re a wuss. No, what you’re doing is you’re trying to help, what you’re doing is trying to bring these problems that veterans deal with to the forefront. If instead of doing it on TV where you’re telling millions of people, you’re doing it one person at a time, until another person. And it works just the same; it’s just slower. With them I, I, I was pretty upfront about it. It was like, “So did you get hurt?” And be like, “Well I got blown up a few times and knocked me silly.” It’s - yeah, remember when I got back there wasn’t any talk about TBIs. Like, so like yeah I got a concussion, [laughs] that’s what it was called. Contusion of the brain, quite a few times. And I would tell them that, I would tell them funny stories. I never really told them war stories, just funny stories that happened in war, you know and all this other stuff. And they’ve supported me like one hundred percent. Like my mom, my dad, my stepdad, my wife, all this other stuff; they, they – because I’m very forthcoming with it. Like I tell them, be like, “This is me. Physically, there’s certain things that I can’t do, or can’t remember to do,” or something like that. Like it has nothing – I’m not being disrespectful, you just have to know.
Adapting to civilian life and finding a new identify
Others described feeling like a “fish out of water” after returning home and missed the sense of purpose and mission they had while deployed. Brian shared that “sometimes I wish I was just back deployed because being deployed was easier.” When Jason came home, he felt like he was “thrown to the wolves” and that it was “sort of sink or swim.”
Brian says he missed the sense of purpose and togetherness he had before.
Brian says he missed the sense of purpose and togetherness he had before.
Again, I’ll just say whatever. I just felt like a fish of water and still do, kind of lost that sense of purpose, sense of togetherness. Sometimes I wish I was just back deployed because being deployed was easier. You had a set thing to do, and now hear you’re just sort of tossed out. So, that’s why I said the avoidance, isolation, drinking alone, that sort of thing came about. So, I mean, you got home and you had this huge support network, your boys. So, between a fast-paced lifestyle and your boys and all of that encapsulated, it just kind of funneled back. But as soon as, I’d say about six months after I got out, that’s when issues really started rearing their heads in terms of that.
Many Veterans spoke of the difficulty of adapting to society after being on a battlefield, that the natural reactions of the soldier aren’t always the right fit for the civilian.
Frank says that many combat Vets bring back survival traits they learned in combat, but find they are no longer appropriate.
Frank says that many combat Vets bring back survival traits they learned in combat, but find they are no longer appropriate.
I’m always looking, looking for booby-traps. Well okay, I don’t do that anymore, but I’m, I’m always, I try to be cognizant of my surroundings. It’s a survival mechanism, and it’s, it can be relevant in today’s society. But when, when a combat Vet, World War II, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, Bosnia, whatever, they bring these survivor, survival traits that they’ve learned in combat. They bring it back, and what was appropriate is no longer appropriate. And they get in trouble. And it’s, you know, “I don’t want any part of this society,” and all that. So, they tend to isolate and be by themselves and, and stuff like that.
Jason’s job as an infantryman was to “go forth and kill the enemy” and he had an identity crisis when he got home.
Jason’s job as an infantryman was to “go forth and kill the enemy” and he had an identity crisis when he got home.
It’s, I, I can tell you that, from personal experience that, because that was my job, I was an infantryman, that’s what I was trained to do, was to go forth and kill the enemy. In every single facet of the word. I’m not a monster, I don’t think I am. I’m a pretty nice guy, but, it’s a lot of, a lot of the problem, especially with the, going back to three months, having that time, especially right before you get out, is because you’re probably gonna go, you’re gonna go through the biggest identity crisis you’ve ever known. When something is all you, you eat, breathe and sleep and sweat and everything, for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for four years solid, or more, you know, especially right, or getting right out of high school, because when you get out of high school, your, that becomes your identity. Your job becomes your identity. Because when people always say I’m a, I’m a lawyer, I’m a, I’m a painter, I’m a, you know, a car salesman. That, your job identifies something about you, and identifies who you are. And especially something that’s so visceral, something that’s so involved in who you are, as a person, especially being in the military when you go, when you’re, you’re, I wouldn’t say the, you’re kind of held to a higher standard, or people look to you and you kind of, you know, I’m, I’m tough guy, you know, I’m, I do, you know I do tough job and I’m kind of held to this standard and then you go back to the society and realize, whoa, that’s not my identity anymore. Where do I go from here? And that was one of the biggest things that I had trouble with. That’s why you see a lot of guys, you know, you know they say, you know “I hate the Marine Corps, this sucks”, and a year later, they, they’ve got 40 flags off of their pick-up truck and they’re still wearing that hat and tight haircut. It’s because something that is, that is so visceral and, something that’s tangible like that, it’s a, it’s your identity, it’s almost a tangible thing, because you live and you work and you do it. Identity crisis is a huge thing.
Scott says that there is little the VA can do to prepare you for how different you will be from other people after deployment.
Scott says that there is little the VA can do to prepare you for how different you will be from other people after deployment.
Their transition programs are more just like focused on like how to write a resume and how to get a job. You know? And I mean that’s really important. And you know, and they also talked quite a bit about the college benefits. But I feel like not, you know out of the number of people that get out of the military, I feel like not that many people are using the GI Bill. And so like I had to, I had to navigate a lot of that for myself. And it’s tricky. But yeah, just like – you know, there’s not a lot of talk about like, “Hey, you’re going to be different from all the people that you end up working with, wherever you end up working because, you know, they’re not going to be able to relate to you because they haven’t been on a submarine for six months underwater.” You know? Or whatever, whatever your case may be. They haven’t had IEDs blown up next to them in Iraq, you know? And like, and I don’t know. I think, I think there should be more of a focus on that because that’s – I didn’t realize it until I’m a year out. I mean it makes perfect sense thinking about it; it’s not surprising. But it’s just like, you know, I wasn’t really prepared for that and I, again, I feel like I’m kind of just navigating it on my own and trying to figure it out.
Coping with the emotional impact and not being able to relate to society
Others talked about the emotional toll of seeing “so many tragic things” and the difficulty of relating to people who didn’t have similar experiences. Some Veterans still grapple with feelings of guilt about things that happened on the battlefield. Others said it was hard to come back and see people “just living normal life,” after witnessing so many “sketchy” things in Iraq. As Alex told us, “I lost nine of my friends over there. We lost six more to suicide when we got back.” Steven said he saw “more blood than I ever wanted to see in my life, my entire life.”
Steven’s family noticed that he wasn’t the same person he was before his deployment.
Steven’s family noticed that he wasn’t the same person he was before his deployment.
Sure. The first that I can remember would be after my first deployment. I came home from my first deployment. Obviously not the same person I was when I left. And family noticed that right away. It was, that was – I was gone a whole year and that was the first time my wife and I had been apart that long. And my kids were babies and they were, they were still little. But coming back, you know, I had some, I had some real bad issues and stuff I guess. But it’s like I didn’t think anything was going, was wrong. And everything, I thought everything was cool, you know? Except I wasn’t really opening up or talking. It was just like I’d come home from work and eat dinner, say “hi” to the kids, you know? You know, hugged the kids, hugged the wife, kiss her on the cheek, stuff like that, you know? Have dinner and you know, put the kids to bed and we’d come out and sit and watch T.V.
And one night, my wife goes, is like, “Is this, is this alright? Is this how it’s going to be?” And I’m like, “What do you mean?” and “What’s wrong? What do you want?” She goes, “Well, it’s like I want you to talk to me. And I want you to, to let me know what’s going on with you.” And I said, “No. You don’t want to know what’s going on with me.” And she says, “How are we going to get through this?” And I said, “I don’t know.” And she kind of kept goading me and stuff and I just, I remember breaking down and just saying just like you know, “What do you want? What do you want from me?” I go, “Do you really want to know what I saw there? Do you really want to know what I went through?” And she was just like, you know, she just, shocked look.
And I go, “Okay, here it is.” It’s like, “I had to take care of little kids, mothers and fathers, bringing them in with burns that weren’t burns from a weapon or a, a bomb or anything. These people were physically burning their own children to gain access, to measure us up, our strengths and everything. And I had to take care of these kids and, you know, we could tell they were not regular burns just by the pattern of them.” And then I go, and, and, I just said to myself, “How can people do this to, to their own children and everything? And why, what culture does this?” And I said, and I go and, I go, “I saw so much blood over there.” I go, “I saw more blood than I ever wanted to see in my life, my entire life.”
After what he experienced in Iraq, Alex said it was hard to come home and adjust to seeing people just living normal life.
After what he experienced in Iraq, Alex said it was hard to come home and adjust to seeing people just living normal life.
We’ve seen a lot of things that are kind of sketchy. We’ve – there’s a lot of shame when you come back and you, you see, you see people just living a normal life here after you’ve seen – I’ve lost nine of my friends over there. We lost six more to suicide when we got back. Recently we lost probably another twenty to suicide since. Because we can’t, we can’t adjust because we don’t understand. We don’t understand what’s happening in the sympathetic nervous system with the PTSD. Or if you have the TBI, you just, you really disconnect. I can’t read, I can’t write the same. I got, you know. And it, it brings you, it breaks you down.
Mike shared that “there’s no way of getting back into society because you’re seen as a monster.” He encourages his family to ask him if they have questions and thinks it is important for people in society to try to understand what Veterans have gone through. Others reflected on how their military service has changed their outlook and made them more acutely aware of “how good we have it,” noting that people in our society don’t understand how many comforts they have.
Mike says the hardest thing for him has been coping with society.
Mike says the hardest thing for him has been coping with society.
Coping with society. When you come back they give you, like a 96-hour, day-off pass to where you, get back, where you’re supposed to get back with society and realize, this is what society is up to, this is what’s happening and this is how it goes. But, I mean, when you go overseas and live like tragic incidents and stuff there’s no way of getting back into society because you’re seen as a monster. But I mean people don’t really understand like the pain and stuff that we go through and the day to day life that happens but, you just kind of cross your fingers and - I like to tell people - especially my family that, if you’ve got a question about something, come to me and ask. And they understand it, and, I mean, they ask me questions about anything. My sister did a research project over PTSD and TBI, yeah, I gave her some information and stuff about it. But, I mean it’s, like I said, you’re seen as a monster. And, as Veterans - I’m speaking for the Veteran’s behalf - we always encourage people to go out and ask us if they’re afraid or, or something and just say “hey, thank you for your service” and actually mean it, and not just do “oh, thank you for your service, we really appreciate it.” Like, go out and learn something. I mean, that‘s what we want.
(See also: Changing Sense of Self; Advice for Other Veterans; People Who Provided Support; Public Perceptions – & Misperceptions – of Veterans)