Joseph

I hate to, I hate to say, but basically dating. I am damaged goods, and not in the way that people want. If I was an asshole about all these things, it would be really easy for people. I could be pretty fun. And I got a quick out because of these problems. The fact that I’m a decent human being, you know, it’s. Yeah, I’m, I have given up on dating till I’ve got my next degree. That should increase – I know people aren’t logical, it isn’t how it’s going to work. But, you know, focus on getting my degree and then if there’s a, any girl, you know? Both sides of the brain working. Logic. I’ll have the degree, I’ll have the – at the same time, I don’t want someone who just wants for that, but that accomplishments that should counteract some of the bad.

I: Yeah. What is the “bad” that you feel like makes it hard to date?

I’m late a lot. I’m, I’ve gotten, I’m feeling a lot better about showing up for things for friends and stuff, but it’s still. I’m going to be remembering things till the last minute, then get to my car and I’ve forgotten stuff and have to go back inside once or twice.

I think it would be a lot better. I mean it’s…

I: What would be different?

I suspect I would actually have healthy relationships. Well I beat myself on the ground, telling myself that I’m ugly rather than other things. I’m aware that I’m a good-looking guy. I’m aware I’ve got a lot going for me. I’m aware that I’m like a great catch, and yet even getting a second date is a rarity. I – oh, my gosh. I guess I derive a lot of happiness from that aspect of my life more, a lot of happiness in the opposite thereof. But it’s one thing. I think – 31, I probably would have started a family by now. It’s, it’s not the end of the world that I don’t have these things. I’m, I, I accept that I won’t have these things. I’ve – [accepted that] part of life, not everyone is a beautiful, unique snowflake and that’s, and that’s why not everyone gets – what we almost assume is expected from life.

Not the like the problems, but just like – okay, I’ve got PTSD. But thanks to those classes and the stuff I’ve taken, I’m better at handling most anxiety than other people. I can hit the overload thing. I had an anxiety attack the other day, but it’s - day-to-day I’m a more laid-back person because I have to be. It’s accept the blows and roll with them, or scream at the sky pointlessly and pull my hair out. It’s not – I like my hair, I’ve grown, I’ve put some effort into growing it out.

Medications are a bit of a problem when you’ve got memory disorders. Not just on taking them daily - that, you get in the habit. But then getting the refills before you run out, and then making it to the primary care in the middle of nowhere West, West Lynn. To get the refill put into the system, it’s – and PTSD meds, depression meds, it’s – the, the withdrawal symptoms are bad. It got to the point where I basically had to simply quit because I couldn’t take going through another bit of withdrawal from them. It wasn’t like the addictive stuff, but it was like - it was basically the variable range of how bad everything was. I would rather be like, you know, like this, you know, up and down. You know, imagine you’re like this when they’re in your system reliably, you know? Without, without them completely clean of your system, you’re, you’re varied in this area. The withdrawals, like you’re out to here, up and down, start, get them fresh in your system again, it’s…

A lot of advice about their phone. You know, how to set it up properly. If, if you haven’t already invested in a damn smartphone, you can get a plan for thirty-five a month, you know? But one of the big things is the understanding of not being alone in it. There are other Veterans out there. I mean even volunteering for a group like Team Rubicon, you know? Just seeing other people who have been through some of this stuff and can, even though they don’t have the same experience, they can relate to some of it.

I’ve had to try to just make everything possible into a complete routine. If I don’t turn it into a proper routine, it – I will forget to do it.

I: Yeah. So what kind of routines do you have?

Well, put something in my mouth for breakfast, because for a while there I, you know. You know, I had – sometimes I ate breakfast and it’s like, “OK, it’s dinnertime. Have I eaten yet today?” And that ends up, that ended up equaling binge eating. It wasn’t, it’s not good to play with your diet. Just making sure you start the day with something going into your stomach, rather than, well. It’s one of them – with my friends I’m hanging out with I try to keep a fairly consistent schedule for what days I’m going to see them. I oddly – to help cope with my depression, I’ve oddly used kind of a, a routine and anti-routine. When the depression does get bad, as it occasionally does, I basically try to pick a day in the future that I’ll give into it. Not saying that everything is going to be better by then, but hopefully I’ll kind of forget that day or just not feel it so much.

After they gave us the pills for anthrax, I had pus coming out of my armpits. Yeah, something—yeah. And that was from the pills. They didn’t tell us what it was. They just lined us up. Here, take these pills. Didn’t give us a choice. It was ordered. You take them pills. Didn’t see no officers or anybody else do it, higher up the chains, but I don’t appreciate being a guinea pig. That’s the first time I noticed something wrong—was seriously wrong. We all had fevers. We were all sick. All our lymph nodes and everything was puffed up. Yet they kept giving us the pills. That’s the first time I noticed something was wrong. By then, it was already—started getting headaches. For some reason they gave us blood thickener. I’m thinking—Okay, we hit the beaches, we’re not going to bleed so bad. That didn’t work out too well. Then they had to turn around and give us blood thinner. Well, go figure. Yeah. Idiots. Then I sat there for months on end outside in the Persian Gulf while the buildup was going on. And all this time, they were giving us pills, shots, you know, because supposedly he had anthrax and all that other chemical warfare stuff. And yeah, the alarms went off. We were told—Ah, it’s bad batteries. Just shut them off, take the batteries out. Okay. 

Yeah, we were on land and the Patriots fired and we had scuds coming in. Alarms would go off. We were told to ignore it. Okay, maybe two or three hours after the alarm went off, we were told to get in the MOPP suit. Then we’d wear the MOPP suit for three days. Okay. What’s what’s—you know, you’re about two hours too late here. What’s going on? Oh, just ignore it. I drove down the Highway of Death in a MOPP suit. You ever hear of the Highway of Death? Yeah, I was there. You know, be sitting out in the middle of the Kuwaiti desert, and the alarms would go off. Fire—oil fires? It would be 12 o’clock in the afternoon and you could swear it was twelve-thirty, one-thirty in the morning. Pitch black. All the time. Days on end. Our skin was just covered in that soot. And we were breathing it. 

After they gave us the pills for anthrax, I had pus coming out of my armpits. Yeah, something—yeah. And that was from the pills. They didn’t tell us what it was. They just lined us up. Here, take these pills. Didn’t give us a choice. It was ordered. You take them pills. Didn’t see no officers or anybody else do it, higher up the chains, but… I don’t appreciate being a guinea pig. That’s the first time I noticed something wrong—was seriously wrong. We all had fevers. We were all sick. All our lymph nodes and everything was puffed up. Yet they kept giving us the pills. That’s the first time I noticed something was wrong. 

Participant: Never had no problems. I contribute a lot of that to them pills that they made us take pills and shots. And they wouldn’t tell us what they were for. They just said line up and take them. 

Interviewer: Did you have any type of immunizations or pills prior to your other deployments? 

Participant: No. Not pills like that. Not in that—if I remember right, it was set in three increments that we had to take the pills for anthrax. And they told us. They did tell us that. It’s anthrax treatment. Well, okay. Does this mean we can walk in an anthrax environment? No, it will just mean you can work 15 minutes more. Really? What’s the MOPP suit for, then? But before the—like my deployments to Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. No. I had the regular immunization shots. You know, tetanus and whatnot. But now you look in my medical book and I bet you it’s not in there.