Support from People & Pets
People we interviewed had a lot to say about the roles their families, friends, pets, and communities played supporting them during breast cancer. They also spoke about the role of professional therapists and counselors.
Support from Family
Many participants talked about how family members had been there for them, providing both emotional and practical support. (To hear what people said about intimacy, see our summary on Sex and Sexuality. ).
Alice’s elderly mother was with her “for every round of chemo” and brought “champagne and fruits into the last chemo session...which was maybe inappropriate but quite lovely.” In Janet B.’s large family, “if one person couldn't do something, the other one would step up and do it.” Merle’s family lived far away, but “all of them took turns to come out to see me.” Michelle’s half-sister would come over to “wash and blow-dry” her hair. Sarah’s adult daughter stepped in so that Sarah’s wife could continue to work since “bills still need paying.” Victoria’s daughter “took my hand and she said...‘you are not going to die, and you and I, hand-in-hand, are going to go on.’” Sharon felt widespread family support, ranging from her dad who drove up for “every single chemo session” to her ex-husband’s family who she said, “still loves me” and “took me to…all my surgeries.” Ginny said her partner served as her health advocate by being “the clear eyed and clear eared” person who kept track of all the information “about the process, about the timing, about the dates, about the potential side effects of things.”
Casey was supported by the friends who are his family of choice.
Casey was supported by the friends who are his family of choice.
My parents are deceased. I don't really talk to my older sister. My younger sister, I talk to once a month. I can talk to her about stuff, but she lives in [LOCATION]. and I didn't want her to be here. There was no point for her to be here. My friends are my family. If I needed to talk about it, they would listen. They kind of played off what I. wanted to do about it, or talk about it, or not, which is, I think, really helpful.
Steven’s wife did all she could to prepare meals he could eat.
Steven’s wife did all she could to prepare meals he could eat.
It was pretty hard to make a meal for me because everything during those the first part of every cycle, everything tasted so bad. I mean, it got down to, “OK, I can eat mashed potatoes, and I can eat noodles and rice.” You know, it had to be a really bland diet. And I could get a little bit of chicken in there once in a while, but that was about the only protein.
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I'm sure that was really frustrating for her, trying to, you know, help me find things that I could eat--because I needed to eat to keep my strength up. But I couldn't stand to eat. And so, she would, you know, made things, and then I would take two bites and push my plate away and say, “I'm sorry. That's all I can, I can’t, I just can't stand it. I can't eat it.” And I mean, these were all foods that I would normally like anyways. So, that was pretty frustrating.
Nikki’s children kept her going.
Nikki’s children kept her going.
So, I had my first chemo treatment. And I was-- probably knocked me down for two to three days that first time. I got pretty sick. And I remember my son would come downstairs. And he would knock on the door. And he says, “Mom, are you doing cancer today, or can we go play basketball?” And I said, “I don't want to do cancer today. Let's do basketball instead.”
So, to him, it was something very easily that I would either have cancer one day, and I would stay in bed, or I would just go have fun with him. And so, I'd say, “give me 30 minutes. And we're not going to do cancer today.” So, it was just amazing to see his perception.
And I know people have asked me, “Oh—I don't know how you did it with little kids.” And I said, “I don't know how you do without kids. I don't know how you do without family,” because they just, especially that young, he just, you know, they would just—all of them would keep me going. They had something to do. They had a dance. They were growing up. They needed their mom. So, it was pretty interesting.
For more on emotional and practical support, see our summaries on Advocating for Yourself and Advocating for Others, Messages to Family and Friends, Seeking Information, and Making Decisions.
Strain and Pain in Family Relationships
Some people we interviewed with were aware of how hard it was for their family members to see them sick. Maria H. said her son reacted “by not being very close because it hurts him a lot. And at the same time, well for me too, that was difficult for me.” Chelsea’s parents were with her “every step of the way,” but, she felt, “it almost made it harder sometimes, because...there wasn't anything that they could do about it.” People with young children spoke about the stress and grief they and their children sometimes felt. Amber said her son was “extremely fearful when we told him, because you hear ‘cancer,’ and you correlate that with death,” but he was also “extremely strong.”
Kawanna's husband wanted to do everything for her himself.
Kawanna's husband wanted to do everything for her himself.
And he did great. He did great at first, but one of the things that I knew would happen, happened. But I, I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. I was afraid of him getting burned out because he didn't want me to do anything, and he wanted to do everything. And he didn't want other people to help him do it. And he wanted to show that he can, he can do it. He can take care of it. And I, I think it just got, it was too much. It was too much. So, because all of those things were kind of like filling space for him, and it just didn't help the situation, because he wasn't dealing with how it was impacting him.
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And so, he took time off from work. And it worked out at first of course because, not that I didn't have other people to kind of step in and do that, but he-, he couldn't imagine it not being him. And I mean there was plenty of ways to give him a break, but it just, I had to let him do that because there's nothing else that, I had to understand that. Like, he's lost. He can't do anything else. He can't take away any of the pain. And he watched me. He watched me be that smiling person at treatments and in amazement of other people. And, you know, if I did decide to do some type of family function; he watched me pretend to be comfortable. But at the end of the day, he's the one who has to deal with seeing the ugly side of it all and, you know. When I'm not at my best and when I can barely, you know, all I wanted to do was from the bed to the bathroom, and he's the one who had to, besides encouraging himself, he had to keep me going. And I thought that was hard for him.
Yeah.
That was hard for him. And it was hard for me, too, to watch it happen.
For Amy, the possibility of death is like having a third person in her marriage.
For Amy, the possibility of death is like having a third person in her marriage.
It's kind of like having a third person in the marriage really. Because there's times that I'm frustrated if he doesn't understand something, and it's something that means a lot to me. It’s like, “why don’t you get this? When I'm dead, you're going to understand why this made sense.” I feel like I always have that sort of in the back of my mind, the timeline. And I don’t always know, I feel like he thinks I'm going to live forever, and everything's going to be fine. And I worry sometimes that I don't know if he understands. And I want to have a long timeline. I don't want my family to walk around like planning for a funeral. But then at the same time, we should probably have those plans made. And I can't have those conversations with him at all. I think it’s that he's in denial that those are things that we have to discuss.
Friends, Neighbors, Colleagues and Others
Many of the people we interviewed said they were fortunate to have support from multiple sources. Janet B. recalled that her “neighbor was cooking dinners for us because she knew that we were in and out and to doctor's appointments or just exhausted.” Becky was grateful for neighbors just shoveling the driveway, and-most of all–for two friends who donated breast milk for her 6-month-old daughter. Asante had recently started a new job when she got sick. One of her colleagues became a close friend after volunteering to come read to her young son “simply so that I could take a nap…The kindness that she showed me was just amazing.” Amber noticed many “selfless people,” including a co-worker, helping without being asked. Chelsea’s close friends were in charge of “relaying a lot of the information” to her parents and community so she wouldn’t be “overwhelmed” with that task herself.
Sarah learned to accept support from a “breastless friend.”
Sarah learned to accept support from a “breastless friend.”
Gosh, I just feel so lucky and blessed. I feel so lucky and blessed and, I mean, I'm a crier. So, I'm going to cry about it. Part of that was learning to accept the help. I am, again, very fortunate. I found a breastless friend through another friend who, a woman who had, who’s been flat for about 18 years. And she really helped me through guiding me in, in, in accepting the help. When I said, “oh, no, I don't, I don’t”—she said, “no, no, no, take the help. Take the help. Sit down and heal. Sit down and relax.” It's just simple things like the first three days, let somebody else take care of your dreams. Just absolutely, you can do it yourself; you know? I have this, I'm so, like, confident and self-assured and I want to do everything on my own, you know? Those, that was my first sentence. “I do it myself.” My mom always told me that was my first sentence. And that's how I am. I'll do it myself. But learning to let somebody else do for me and let the people around me love me and help me, and that was part of the, the big lesson of cancer for me.
Bobbie finds support in her siblings and close friends.
Bobbie finds support in her siblings and close friends.
Well, whenever I got my diagnosis, I called all my sisters and brothers and let them know what was up and what was going on.
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They support me, so that's how I do.
So, reading between the lines, it sounds like your siblings kind of are looking out for you. That they said “You're looking tired.” Or, what about practical support? Did anybody go with you to any of the appointments?
Well I had asked my sister to go with me but she changed, but I had a girlfriend to go with me. She went with me. So because she went, she had, she has the same type cancer I had so she's supportive. She went with me and then, I, after that, my other sister, she went with me.
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Having someone there, knowing that somebody there with you, supporting you, it makes a difference. It does. It makes a difference.
Connecting with Friends, or Not
Other people we interviewed had a hard time connecting with friends during their breast cancer experience. Precious finds people react “a little differently” when she shares she has metastatic disease. Others said they didn’t really know what they needed from others, didn’t get what they needed, weren’t able to ask for help, or preferred to navigate their diagnosis with just a very few friends.
Lisa J. wanted to be very private with her surgery and asked for minimal help.
Lisa J. wanted to be very private with her surgery and asked for minimal help.
In the end, I still couldn't tell some pretty close friends. I couldn't, I just didn't have the words for me. And I've learned I'm probably a much more private than people would like me to be, and it's not deliberate. It's just how I've lived my life.
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I didn't ask anyone to go to my appointments. I didn't tell people I was going to my appointments. The only time I had someone come who is a good friend, but we weren't as close. You know, when you have, like, people you know, and you're—and being that she worked not far from my doctor's office when I had my surgery, I had her pick me up.
And take you home.
And I-, actually no. I just had her pick me up, and then I got into a cab. And because I really didn't want that level of support. I just really wanted to—and I was so tired, and again, co-conditions come in. And after I got the surgery she had—she would have taken me home. Like, she would have done anything. And I'm like, "No, that's okay. I just needed you," because you need an adult to pick you up. And I just said to her, "No, I'm okay." and I insisted. And I met someone. I just took Uber or something home, and I just wanted to sleep because I didn't want—sometimes; and again, in their kindness and their generosity, they may want to take you home and, like, make sure you go to bed. And I'm like, "No, I'm good. I set it all up." [LAUGHTER] And that was just me because again, I told a few people. But I, I was; still, I still just had to process.
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But when I reflect now, I'm like, I should have just let everybody and their dog just, you know. Maybe, come over and like play and let me fall asleep. Maybe a dog could have been in the scenario, maybe cats, because I love animals or not. I think I just, I when you say support, I've always had it. But again, even when I think about it now, it was like, I just wanted to, you know, go to sleep. I just wanted to feel, like, grounded.
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I just wanted to go through, like, the initial process by myself, but I do have a support system. And then after the second year that I started telling people, I had people just break down on me. And they were like, "Why didn't you tell me?" And you know, "Why and this," you know, and plus I had an aide, so, I had that sense of, like, somebody is there. Like I said, my insurance kicked in really well. I had, what do you call those help buttons—I had someone, like, you know, again, my aide, who, you know, to this day is, is fabulous and very respectful, and I trust her. And it's-, you know, if I needed something, she got it. But she also knew if I needed not to talk, she was good with that, too, and still is. And, yeah, so, I was pretty taken care of, you know, to the extent that I allowed someone to take care of me.
Ronnie feels some of her friends “don’t really get it.”
Ronnie feels some of her friends “don’t really get it.”
Yeah, so it's mostly been friends, but even like one friend, one friendship ended, another one, you know, and then other people, they don't really get it. They'll listen. And I don't expect them to get it, but I think friends have been, the ones who I've trusted, have been more supportive. But, like, I had a roommate for nine years, and she really didn't say much. At the same time, I was diagnosed, she lost somebody, one of her friends, she lost to cancer. So, I'm thinking that must have had something to do with that. But really, after I told her, there was really no communication from her about how I was doing, which surprised me, but it might be because she was going through her own grief. And then she was newly married. So, I don't know. But there was really no response. And then another friend came one weekend. Saying, it was my first week after radiation treatment. And she, I don't know. I said something, and then she got really angry. She drove from [LOCATION], saying she would, wanted to help and provide support. And then we got into an argument, and then she left. She said all these things about me, how I'm ungrateful, and I'm, I just, I’m into my own problems. Yeah. So, I mean, it was just, we were going to lunch, to a restaurant, and then her car, it showed the check engine light, and then I was, like oh, I was a little bit concerned. And then I was getting a little anxious about that and then and trying to help her figure things out. She got offended by that. I said, I off, I also offered to take my car. She got offended that I was anxious about that. And she said, “What's going on with you?” I said, “Well, I have this—I'm going through cancer treatment.” And then she just got very upset. And, yeah, she said a lot of bad things about me, and then I didn’t, yeah, and she went back to [LOCATION]. I don't want to resume that friendship.
Professional Support
A number of people accessed professional mental health support from a therapist, social worker or caseworker. Some found help through their faith community, cancer treatment center or a community-based resource. Katrina’s social worker provided her with information about support groups in her area but, more importantly, was there for her directly. “Me and her talk,” said Katrina, “and I just feel better.” Michelle said she had a wonderful therapist who “helped me realize that self-care was the most important thing, so I started to work on that.”
Becky saw a counselor at the cancer center where she was treated.
Becky saw a counselor at the cancer center where she was treated.
I did deal with some depression kind of when it was all done. I was able to work with a counselor right there in the [COMPREHENSIVE CANCER CENTER], which was so reassuring that they were right there in the [COMPREHENSIVE CANCER CENTER]. That it wasn't like I had to, that it wasn’t someone who didn't work with this situation day in, day out. That they really had heard my same story so many times and knew how to help me with it. I was really grateful for that resource.
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He gave me some ideas for how to deal with like, when the worry really crept up. The main one was, just acknowledge it and give it its moments and then move on, versus just trying to keep stuffing it down to only have it keep creeping up. So, that was good advice that's worked for me. He helped me break through some of my excuses for not getting enough exercise. And because I knew exercise was going to help me feel better. So, he helped me break down some of my good excuses I had put in front of that. And yeah, I met with him three times and it felt like the kick start I needed to the year.
Alice looked for emotional support from a professional after her third diagnosis.
Alice looked for emotional support from a professional after her third diagnosis.
But the most, the thing for me that was the most impressive was when I got my third diagnosis. I said, "I can't do this myself. Somebody - I need help." And I picked up the phone, and I called and I said, "There's got to be a psychiatric department. There's got to be support somewhere." I left a message on a voicemail, and I was not called back for days. When I was they said, "There—we don't have—there, there are no bookings. We're completely booked. We can't see you." And when I switched hospitals, they were so much about the support. I can go see a—they assigned a social worker to me. And she came to every single one of my treatments, she called me once a week, and she said, "Do you want to see me?" She talked to my kids, talked to my husband, and she talked to my mother. It was just—it was so, so helpful. And then, with this diagnosis, I was like, "OK, get me a shrink." I got to have a nice visit with the psychiatrist, but I haven't seen her for a while because I've been doing well, but that was the main difference. What really was that kind of having someone to talk to.
Accessing professional support was easier for some people than others. Sometimes this was because services were not available locally. Other times, it was because people did not know about the available services or were not referred to them by their health care providers. Amy said it was “really hard to find a mental health care provider” where she lives “because there are so few that they’re extremely overbooked.” Merle discovered a health psychologist at the same center where they had been receiving other forms of care, and suggests patients be informed about it regularly since it helped them through “some pretty intense emotional landscapes.” Not everyone felt comfortable seeking professional mental health support, and not everyone found it helpful.
Peggy worried about stigma and didn’t find the therapist she saw very helpful.
Peggy worried about stigma and didn’t find the therapist she saw very helpful.
There are some places here in town, but since I work with them, I really don't want to go around some places here. Because sometimes you still get that stigma of, “Oh, you're going to see somebody. There must be something wrong.” And I don't want people to look at me differently, which I feel like they might. So, I'm looking, you know, at the surrounding areas to see if I can see somebody.
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I did try the therapy thing with somebody else. And I just, didn't really care for her approach, maybe. Maybe it'll be different, because they're specialized in cancer patients. So maybe that will be a little bit different. I don't know. But I've tried the whole therapy thing with somebody else. And it just didn't, wasn't very comforting, it wasn't what I was looking for. I don't know.
What would you hope to get?
Maybe some confirmation that this, what I'm thinking, and feeling is what normal is. I don't know. Like, there's nothing wrong with, what I'm thinking or feeling or my approach. Because sometimes my friends, like, when I want to talk about, you know, they're like, “Don't talk like that. You'll be an old lady when you die.”
Support from Pets
A number of people we interviewed included pets–such as dogs, cats, horses, pigs, goats, cows, chickens, and parakeets–in their descriptions about support from family during cancer. Many said animals were a source of comfort, empathy, unconditional love, support, purpose, and motivation to be active. Katrina noted that without her dog she “would just literally stay in bed, and not do anything.” For Maria H., her pets’ happy reaction to seeing her every day lifted her spirits and was “therapeutic.” They also provided her a sense of purpose; she recommends others have animals “because you have to continue living, you have to keep going forward.” Chelsea spent time with her family dog during treatment, which she found “definitely calming…[and] reassuring.”
Several people felt their animals understood they were ill. Nikki noticed her dogs would just “stay a little bit closer” to her during treatment. Amy’s dog licked her where she had surgery “like…she knows something wasn't right here, and she's trying to fix it.”
Merle says having dogs is “remarkably healing.”
Merle says having dogs is “remarkably healing.”
Yeah, having a dog in my life has made a tremendous difference in my healing journey. So, Sybil is my current dog. I adopted her three months ago from the shelter here in, well, it's actually in [LOCATION]. But it's right outside of [LOCATION]. And I adopted her after losing my dog Claire, who was an English Bull Terrier.
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But Claire, I want to give them both space because they have both really important and very different dogs and very healing, both of them. But Claire was my rock. I mean, I literally called her my pet rock because she helped me through the hardest time in my life. In fact, one of my creative projects right now is a project dealing with our journey. But, you know, she was the one that I knew I had to come home to, you know, in terms of, when I felt like, and I think this is the thing that maybe some people won't understand unless they've been in a journey like this. Like with some brush with mortality. But, you know, there are so many times that I just felt like death was right here. And so, to come home, or to have a reason to go home, you know, to a being that I really loved, was remarkably healing. And she was the one that was kind of a tether for me when I just felt completely, to be honest, just kind of completely torn apart or depressed or you know. She was a constant source of light for me, you know. So, losing her was, I wondered how that would actually affect, I mean, I knew how it was going to affect me. It was very hard. But I knew that she was so instrumental in my healing, I wondered how long I could go without having another dog. And so, I adopted Sybil about six months later. And, like I said, they're very different dogs. But she has continued to be just a huge form of emotional support through this. And I've even written a poem about, on days when even I'm not getting up for myself, I get up because it's time for her to go on a walk. And I open the blinds because I have these plants here. And so, surrounding myself with other living beings is an important part of my journey. And Sybil and Claire have both, you know, given me so much care as well, probably more care than I can really adequately say here.
Kawanna's dog and cat were gentle with her during her illness.
Kawanna's dog and cat were gentle with her during her illness.
They know what relaxing is. That's for sure. They didn't need nothing. They didn't need anything from me, just for me to be there. And believe it or not, they were there more so. And it's weird. I think they knew because our dog is very playful. He's young. He's rambunctious. You know, he has the energy of the kids. But he's very gentle with me. And he always was. And my cat, she's not a very affectionate cat at all. She doesn't want to, she really would rather not be bothered, but she stayed very close. She stayed very close. So, I don't know how animals deal with, with sickness and how they interpret that or what signals, but I, I did feel that closeness. Like I said, this is a big dog. He doesn't even know how big he is. But he was gentle with me. It's almost like he knew that he had to.
Carrie says it’s nice to be needed by her dog.
Carrie says it’s nice to be needed by her dog.
Fluffy’s been just the ticket. He's affectionate, and, but he loves to play. And you can take him for walks. And it's just really nice. And it's nice to have a little thing that needs you, especially when you're on usually the receiving end of the caretaking, to have something that you take care of feels really nice. And they just, you know, they just love you for where you're at. They're not looking at you going, really? Because you look all pasty. Or, you know, or what, what's with the hair? Where'd the hair go? Or what's that thing, what’s that drain hanging from you? What is that? They just, it's just like, “You're my world. You're my world from start to finish.” So, I think pets are great. Great therapy.
Other people we interviewed said pets were no longer part of their lives, caring for them was too much, or they feared their animal would unintentionally hurt them during recovery. Sally didn’t have a dog at the time of her breast cancer experience, and “didn’t know what she was missing.” Between her metastatic diagnosis, working long hours and “running to radiation every day,” Peggy had to “rehome” her dog. Sarah’s cats were more “pain than comfort” for her during breast cancer: when she was healing, with new scars and drains, “the cat wanted to walk across me,” so she ended up having to sleep apart from her wife. Lisa J. is an animal person but hadn’t had pets since her diagnosis because she worried “who's going to take my little fur baby if something happens to me?”
Denise’s dogs are her “babies,” but she was afraid around them after her surgeries.
Denise’s dogs are her “babies,” but she was afraid around them after her surgeries.
Yeah, I have pets. I have too many. I have four inside dogs. But you know how they always say like dogs know what's going on with breast cancer? And so, I decided to test that theory out, and it was exactly true. So, I have a little Papillon. He's got the butterfly ears. He's so tiny, so cute. But after I was diagnosed, I watched where, what he did with me. And he laid directly there on my, on my chest, right where it was at. And it was night after night after night that he was right there. So yeah. But he, they were my, they’re my dogs are my babies. So, they were there. And they knew when I was sick and when I was not feeling good. They could tell. Yeah.
What did they do when they couldn’t—when they could tell?
They wouldn't like be all jumpy, jumpy all over me, you know what I mean? They just let me be. You know, maybe they would lay next to me, but they wouldn't be all like excitable. And then too, how I, because I sleep with my dogs, how do you do that with surgery, because I was so fearful that they'd be jumping on me. So, when I did, for both huge, big surgeries, I stayed out of, let them sleep in my, I slept in another bed until I felt comfortable, and then I would put a pillow in front of me, so that, and I hugged the pillow and slept that way. So, they weren't anywhere in my zone. So, and they didn't, but I was - that was my fear that they would come in there and I'd get hurt.