Seth

Knowing gun violence and not wanting to be a target, and now that I am responsible for these two kiddos, one of them isn’t even in school yet, so, he’s with me all the time. And so, I was like, okay, I need to go out and make sure my ship’s dialed in as far as my laser optics and whatnot on my piece. And so, I had been out in the garage, and kiddo was inside. He was watching SpongeBob in the front room. He’s content. He's got his Cheerios. And that’s when I go out and use, it’s called a laser bore sight, where it’s like a laser that goes in the barrel. And so, that points at where the impact would be, and then you can just dial in your laser optics underneath. So, I wanted to make sure I was on target. If we’re going to be walking around these places, you know, knowing my head space, that are free fire areas, with a kid, you know, I’ve got a number one job here. And so, when I went back in, the firearm that I have, it doesn’t have a hammer in back. It has a little like pin that comes out the back that tells you, “Hey, it’s charged.” You can pull the trigger and the hammer is going to go, and there is a little pin on top that tells you that you’ve got something in the barrel. And those are independent of each other.  

Regardless, I had this holster pretty far back and I just wanted to make sure that it wasn’t, you know, charged or anything. So, I went back, and I felt that both pins were up. And I thought to myself, “I haven’t had any live rounds out today. I’m just going to, you know, drop the hammer in the holster.” And sure enough, I had a live round in there. And it pretty much vaporized about three quarters of a cup of my right ass cheek. Yeah. Yeah, it was impressive. And I remember, you know, having seen, you know, gun injuries for years, I reached back, and I’m stunned as hell, obviously. I reach back and I look at my hand, and it looked like it was motor oil. And so, I’m like in this completely stunned state, now wondering what the hell just happened. And kid comes running around the corner. And he calls me Foff. “Foff, Foff, what happened?” And I just, “Big bang in the microwave and you know, go watch SpongeBob, it’s okay.” You know, trying to hold the pain in for the second at least what I thought was going to be pain, more shock. And he’s content with that. He runs back out to watch TV.  

And at this point, I start getting lightheaded. And so, I take a knee and I’m like, “All right, you know, you’re bleeding out. This kid cannot find you like that. You need to soldier the fuck up.” And that’s when I stood up, dropped trou to assess the wound and like it was just millimeter speckles of red and yellow in the crotch of my jeans, meat and fat. And so, I’m like, “Okay, that’s bad.” And I look back and yeah, I mean, it was like a cross section out of an anatomy book. Like, you could easily see your dermal layers. It was, it was pretty amazing. But then I suddenly went into medic mode and I’m like, “Okay, I’m not bleeding. I’m bouncing on my foot. I’ve got neuromotor intact. I’m going to put some gauze in it and get an ace wrap and call the wife and say, ‘Hey, something’s happened.’” And from then, it was kind of fine. Not so funny. Yeah, it was, in retrospect it was.  

I said, “I’m gonna drive on up.” She says, “No, you call Ken.” And Ken is an old buddy of mine. He was a platoon sergeant when I was in the Guards years prior, and lives kind of in the neighborhood. She said, “Call him, get him to drive.” All right. So, I call him. He comes over. “Let me see. Wow, oh my god, that’s amazing.” It’s, you know, again, we’ve got kind of a perverse sense of humor given backgrounds. And so, we pile in the car. And she calls, or she calls right as we are leaving. “I’ve got coverage. Come get me.” I said, “Okay.” So, go over there, scoop her, and as we pull up to Emmanuel, I am getting out of the car, I’m opening the door like I do, and she’s looking me up and down like, “Sure, you hurt yourself.” Because it’s completely numb. There was no pain to this. I think it was just the proximity of the blast that caused that to happen.  

And I ended up spending a week on the floor there. I had two damage resection surgeries and got lectured by every trauma doctor that was on duty about the dangers of firearms and ya ya ya. “You are all military physicians. You’ve all carried. Shut up and thanks for the lecture. This was complacency in action and if you don’t think I get it by now, I don’t need the, I don’t need the jam up.” But I appreciated, you know, where they were coming from, too. Doing due diligence and what not. I was a dumbass and I’m a hell of a lot more careful. That’s how it’s changed my behavior.

Yeah, I mean, first experiences were in boy scouting and you know, doing the summer camp thing, and the .22 range. That was really first experience. It certainly wasn’t a daily one. It was a maybe once a summer thing and that was for a, you know, five, six years of boy scouting. Other than that, I don’t know. I don’t remember. But that was that time period.  

And then while I was in middle school, mom dated a few different guys that were hunters and you know, there would be that, “Hey, you know, I’m going to show the girlfriend I’m good with the kid and let’s go out and shoot a bird,” kind of thing. And okay. Never really got to be my thing.  

I think I went on an elk hunt once with a buddy and that, I’m good. Don’t need it. So, it’s yeah. That’s, that was kind of the initial exposure.

As a medic for 15 years, as somebody who spent 17 years watching people shoot themselves across the city, seeing the current trend that we are in right now, and working where I work, where we’ve had shooters almost on a quarterly basis within a block; yeah, it’s a high risk. And I am not going to be the guy that I mean, hey, if it’s coming at me, I am going to respond. And if I’m, you know, close enough and able to prevent somebody else from getting shot or killed, I am going to do that, too. And I think that comes from just, kind of, who I am. You know, I go back to why I joined the service when I wanted to. I put Band-Aids on people with a rifle. It sounds like a weird idea, but it worked out pretty well. 

That’s where I get my meds filled. That’s who gets me new...you know. So, if there is already this kind of connection around resources, there could at least be that connection made. It could be used as a cookie, too. “Hey, VA is giving away gun safes if you agree to talk to, you know, somebody who is going to call you up and ask you questions monthly for one year. And then it’s yours, we’re not going to bug you again.” But maybe those questions around— “Over the last month have you worn your firearm holstered? Have you put it in the safe every night? How many nights out of the week do you A, not bother, B, forget?” And kind of do something along those lines. 

Don’t get comfortable. Know that thing is gonna--you get too comfortable, it could be your ass, ha ha. But truly. As a guy who, you know, I’ve got a casualty down the field, I’m having to clear their weapon. I’m going to make sure my safety is on. I’m still in a combat zone. I’ve got a round in the, you know, racked. But I’m--you’ve got to get out of that, that mindset of being comfortable there. I mean comfortable in that it’s still, again, like a secondary appendage, yes. But that you treat that with the utmost respect, and you check what you’ve checked a thousand times, just to check it again. Like I said, when I get up every morning, I don’t have a significant other in my life and the cats don’t have opposable thumbs to charge that weapon. I still check it every morning.

Yeah, “How are you doing,” and ixnay the lecture. I mean the least, at least post injury. I mean, once they are able to even process what the hell happened, that’s--it was overboard. It was absolutely overboard. And it’s not that, it’s not like I didn’t think they are just in here to lecture me. They don’t give a shit. These are docs that I was hip to hip with in a person’s body the week before. Like these are my colleagues. So, I knew it was coming from a genuine place. But their role as a trauma surgeon took over their role as a friend and colleague. And then it became a, “I know, I know what we’re saying here. Let’s just, let’s stop.” Like, I’m still trying to figure out I just shot myself in the ass, man. Of course, I should have checked it. And I think being there to be compassionate and instead saying, you know, “How are you doing?” and you know, “You’ve got to be freaked out. I know I would be.” And go there. Patient’s gonna to beat themselves up plenty enough, far more than any surgeons gonna.  

The rapport is going to be built with that social worker and maybe there needs to be more because usually one per unit is, you’re smoked already. But that is, once that rapport is made, having that same person make that follow up four weeks later. “Hey, you know, it’s me. Just want to see how you’re doing, you know. You went through some shit, and I know we only talked about some stuff when you were here. You know, is that stuff coming back to you at all? Are you doing okay?” And then based on those answers, you know, you maybe make the therapy referrals at discharge. But then, that’s when you follow up to see if they took them up on that. And you go, “Okay, you know, I understand, you know, you don’t want to talk. Like I get it’s embarrassing. I get you’re angry at yourself. But you know, listen, I...” and then have someone, whether it’s bullshit or not, have a relational thing of, “When I went through some really ugly shit. I didn’t pursue any help. I needed to just deal with it and drive on. And I was a mess for a long, long time.”